Southern State

Sunshine through the clouds,

Oh i close my eyes

Kaleidescope colors multiply 

Somewhere between here and a dream...

In a skirt fit for spinning.

Glasses tinted Rose,

Perched upon a wrinkled up nose,

Kinda girls whose happy shows,

Spin laughing Til we cry,

When it's all too much 

Look to the sky. 

The kne I'm under now...

Somewhere over the rainbow,

Can you tell me how,

To forget the one I know by heart?

Somewhere down I-85,

Up above an Alabama sky,

Homesick like it's an art.

Hard to forget my southern start.

Won't after how long I've been away from home.  

Click my heals and close my eyes...

Sometimes when the light's just right,

I don't feel so far away.

If home is a place,

I'm sure it's a Southern state.  

A Ghost

You'd think it'd get easier.

The silence echoes in my ears.

Cold turkey alone,

Birthday but no birthday song,

Solo no one to cheers.

Can't look back.

Hurts too bad.

Blinders up,

Like I never had a family.

It would mean more to me,

Than it does to most.  

I've become a ghost.  

Park Moment

Every Day Sky- September 6, 2013

Spontaneous Happiness

     Today was one of those days where all the worries I have weighing on me are able to be set aside.  I woke up this morning later than usual because the girls were gone to their Dad's house until Sunday.  My intention was to stay up and clean house, do laundry and dishes and other chores, but instead I went back to bed and wrapped my arms around Bobby.  We haven't had a day with nothing scheduled in a while, and I should have know that was all I needed to put things into perspective.  I am so lucky to be with someone who does that for me.  Bobby and I have so much in common that it's just effortless for us to be with each other...he really is my best friend.  I can't even be mad at the kid because I am just drawn to him in ever way.

     After we both got up today, Bobby and I went over to Joe's and hung out for a little while.  After going on a walk with Joe and Lucy, we went home and had some lunch.  After watching the first half of a rather awful zombie movie, we decided (mostly due to my urging) to get out of the house and to walk downtown for some drinks. It was so nice to be out of the house...I've been stuck at home a good bit lately because we have been without a vehicle.  Sometimes, even when transportation isn't a problem, I find myself craving adult conversation.  There was a couple sitting next to us outside at Strange Brew, and overhearing their conversation, I butted in and we got to talking.  I haven't met anyone in quite a long time that I carried on such a natural conversation with.  We got to talking and swapped numbers so we can hopefully hang out another time.  Right before they left, I went and gave a high five to a guy that looked like a hip Colonel Sanders.  He was another nice surprise, asking me if I smoked and handing me a one-hitter.  

     I always seem to have the most fun when my life is lead spontaneously.  Everything has to be planned when you have kids, and you forget what simple pleasures are like.  Today was such a nice surprise in what seems to have been an endless supply of monotonous or stressful days.  It makes me wonder why I don't venture out more and why I don't have more friends here.  Finding happiness in small ways, like walking hand in hand with Bobby downtown, and good conversation with strangers makes me feel like myself again.  I can talk to anybody...and I love talking to and meeting new people.  All the hard things in life are more bearable when you have a lot of wonderful things to live for.  I have had Bobby for 10 months this weekend, and my girls have been the driving force in my life since the day they both were born.  I am so thankful for them, as well as for days like today when I'm able to remember that I am a person that people like. I should like myself a little more, and have more days like this one.  

On Days Like Today

There are days lately when I feel worthless.  I'm 27 years old and it seems that, despite all the hard roads I've been down, I've gotten and am going nowhere.  On days like that I am certain that nothing I have done or ever will do will ever matter.  Then there are days like today, where I let my own definition of a fulfilled life be the only criteria I judge my success by…and I have to say I am happy.  I worry a lot…about money, about the future, about what I will be when my kids are grown and don't need me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would still be worried about those things even if I were an executive with a six figure salary….there is never enough money, but there is always enough money. I worry that I won't be enough and Bobby will fall out of love with me and I will be all alone.  What will I do then?  The truth is I don't know;  but I think that's ok.  I couldn't have told you when I graduated from high school that this is what I would be doing with my life…but if there were nobody around me telling me I should have some job that is traditionally important and have tons of money in the bank, I would see my life as a success. 

I am so in love…and have been for the past 9 months.  I am with a man who loves me for who I am and makes me smile every single day.  Putting my arms around his neck and my lips on his each day is like heaven, and I think I will be kissing those same lips and looking into those amazing blue eyes every day for the rest of forever.  I have two beautiful daughters who I am fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with.  I don't have a lot of money, and can't buy them every new toy and take them on lots of expensive vacations…but I am with them hearing their little thoughts and growing with them all the time.  While I'm not sure if they will ever appreciate our time together as much as I do, I will always remember these times with my little girls that I wouldn't have experienced if I was sitting behind a desk checking in on them at daycare.  They say "life is what you make it", and if I make it all about outside expectations and worry then it's not going to be very happy.  I'm never going to be you, or him, or her, or anybody else for that matter.  I can't say that anybody will ever say "what a great woman" or recognize me for anything in particular.  I used to think those things were important to me, and maybe they actually were at one time, but they aren't any more.  

Sometimes when I am with my little girls I have to stop and appreciate a sudden warm feeling that rises up inside me.  This feeling from places so deep inside my heart I don't consciously know they are there, arises when I do or say things that can only be attributed to the memory of my own mother.  Those that know me know that I have had a rocky relationship with my Mom, just as she has had with the world.  I am constantly amazed at how for all the heartache and turmoil she has put me through, when I think of the first thing I feel is the genuine love and kindness she so naturally has always effortlessly exuded.  Sometimes I still get so mad at her, but I can't stay that way, because after everything has become water under the bridge, the raw emotion I have for her is love an appreciation.  Just the sound of my Mother's voice can comfort me when I'm at my lowest. 

Maybe it won't happen until my children have children of their own, but I what I want for my life is for my family to know that I am a good person and that I tried to love my family, and do everything I can to make others feel secure, happy, and loved.  If my kids one day see in me, what I see in my Mom, then I will have accomplished something in life.  There are so few things in this life that can't be bought, taught, or faked.  I may not be able to buy them the world, but I would do anything in my power to make sure they know that nothing in it could ever change how I feel for them.  I hope my legacy will be one of love…I hope that is enough for those around me, but either way, it's enough for me.  At least on days like today.  :)

Every Day Sky- August 21, 2013

Every Day Sky- August 19, 2013

Every Day Sky- August 18, 2013

Never Enough

Here I am again, Wondering what went wrong.
Trying to figure out what else I could have done...
If anything at all.
Would pick it up again if I knew where I dropped the ball.
Can you love someone too much?
All my experience shows is that I'm never enough
To keep anyone around.

I want to hide.
So ashamed..
Tears fill my eyes.
Made to play the fool.
Fallen for it several times,
Can't believe I'm here again.
One of these days I hope I'll win.
That a light will shine in,
To put hope back in this heart of mine.
Been hurt plenty of times.
Wasn't born to be disappointed so frequently.
Why should I believe in anything?

Every Day Sky- August 4, 2013

Every Day Sky- August 3, 2013

Every Day Sky- July 31, 2013

He

Wafting smokey looking clouds blend into one with ours

Just taking time to gaze upon the stars

In heaven looking back at us in love.

Until now nothing was ever enough, 

now I am content.

Never really knew what it meant,

But If Men hail from Mars, and Women from Venus

With all the similarities between us,

He and I,

We are something else from some place other than those.

This far away from Alabama finding home,

It's like the only thing I've ever known,

Is this world with him erasing all I ever knew. 

Actually able to let me be,  and him be what he is too.

I'll love him as long as his eyes are blue,

and I have air to breathe.

In awe of how I feel like it's too hard to believe,

that I deserve to feel this way.

I find myself rambling

telling him every single day,

Like some kind of weird number one fan.

In my heart I'm making plans,

Now that I'm with the man I plan to keep,

Here's hoping that the pitter patter of little feet

Isn't far behind.

I know it's also on his mind,

Which makes everything happier all the more.

Suddenly I'm able to ignore

the now blurry the rest planet Earth.

For what it's worth, 

I consider myself to be one of the lucky few.

Not a whole lot else to do but enjoy the time flying by.

Sitting right next to me this wonderful guy,

who seems to think I hung the moon,

& the stars we sit here staring at tonight.

Wish I may and wish I might,

forever feel exactly as I do right now.

He's the only way I know how.

Not sure if it will ever fade,

Maybe not in life,

But in love I've got it made.  

If  could see the way I feel

You'd know I feel like the last girl on Earth. 

For what it's worth,

I'm long past caring

There are things in life I look forward to sharing

Not with you.  

Every Day Sky- July 29, 2013

Every Day Sky- July 26, 2013

Every Day Sky- July 25, 2013

Every Day Sky- July 11, 2013

Homesick

Like too small a ship

In a too stormy sea

Feeling so small

Knowing I have only me.

Looking to the stars 

For familiarity.  

But they look different from here.

A distant memory having family

And friends near,

So now I make my own.  

All the drama I've outgrown

Seems to have left me estranged.

With two beautiful daughters 

I shouldn't  complain.  

Thankful for all the love I have found.

Its just that without more family around,

There's no pick me up,

When I fall down.

So I'm terrified of failing at all.

If I'm sick there's nobody to call 

To come stand in.

Not to mention how much I miss them,

If i think on it too long,

I will realize how long I've been gone.

Get homesick and cry.

Wishing to look up at a Southern Sky,

Not much to go back to,

I'm not gonna lie.

But I can't wait to go back anyway.

Knowing that I will always live so far away,

Is hard pill to swallow.

Can't take them away from everything they know,

This place has always been there home,

And I'm sure to adjust eventually. 

Make my family unconventionally,

A support system sure would give me some security.

But I still hold onto a fear,

That I will never be at home here. 

Bricks

Banging my head the same way
Against the same bricks
Each one, myself laid
Fortress self-made
Walls sky high.
Promises held in place by lies
Unsure how to tear it down,
So sadness surrounds.
Silence so incredibly loud,
Of the likes I've heard before.
Talk just to be ignored,
Brick by brick the barriers go up.
I've dealt with this long enough.

House Life

I'm pretty sure I'm dying inside 
All the days of self sacrifice 
All the nights I've laid in bed and cried
Outnumbered still by those spent unable to summon the strength for tears.  
My greatest fear is that I won''t be happy.
Someday, whenever that might be…
Find a day when I love my life.
The best mother and the best wife 
Is all I ever wanted to be.
And yet I sit here miserably because I can't keep up.
When I'm at the bottom but don't know which way is up from here.
Looks like the laundry hasn''t been done in a year,
Even though Im constantly at it.
You'd think I was a laundry addict,
Because its never enough.
No amount of effort is good enough.
There's always more work to be done.
I hope one day I will have a son,
And teach him to help around the house.
Hopefully he'll prove men can do more than sit on the couch 
And earn a paycheck
Thinking thats the only thing that counts.
What's the point of all my effort if I don't get an ounce
of respect for what I do?
Work 10 times harder than some people do,
For far less pay.
What am I worth if I fail every day?

Brother

Sometimes it hurts too much

Sometimes I have to say enough is enough

And at least speak my peace.

But I can't find any now,

And I don't sleep or sleep easy anyway.

If that kid ever were to decide one day

That all this bullshit pulled and pushed him too long now.

He'd have in his pocket,

The easy way out,

Then death could find him unannounced,

And that scares the shit outta me.

He's one if the people I don't wanna be

On Earth without.  

And whether or not he's strong enough to put that shit down

Is not for me to say or speculate,

It's not that I doubt his strength

But stronger have tried and failed effortlessly.  

With every breathe try to make him believe that it's really that bad.

I'm sure the shrink's finger will point Mom and Dad,

But it's not just them to blame.

I wonder if things will ever be the same

As they used to be.

Want him to be happy and free

From the spell that's got him wound up so tight. 

Get some perspective, 

Right now he's not seeing right,

Clear all this mess up,

Saying this outta love,

But if I have to I'll fight.  

Drugs have taken enough from me,

Subject matter far from light.

From darkness into night.  

Motherhood Full Circle

Perspective changes as the full circle comes round

Two pair of little eyes looking up at me now

I remember the time when a little plus sign spun my whole world around

And the whirlwind hasn't stopped yet

As a mother I've barely gotten my feet wet

And yet I've gained wisdom in mass amounts

My ability to see what really counts 

Comes from people who aren't who they're going to be yet

From day to day who knows what to expect

Sometimes even Mothers feel hopeless and cry

But then a little girl shows up by my side 

And the other one is never far behind

It seems they know just what I need

Not worth much to anybody but me

Four little arms hug tight at my knees

And to think... I'm the one who taught them how to love

And they love me even at my worst

I got to be the one to hold them first,

They have control of my heart.

Try to remember that when I start

To let my patience slip.  

Motherhood is such an incredible gift,

Even if nobody brings me breakfast in bed.  

One day they'll be saying all the things ie said,

Then they'll cringe at the reality of what's going on.

The legacy of a young flustered Mom,

Who learned a lot of what not to do wrong from her own,

But for all ive whined, complained and moaned,

I'm sure others have had it worse.

Fact of the matter, she's the one who loved me first 

That example is engrained somewhere in me.  

With out her I simply wouldn't be,

So I mention her name when I pray.  

All that I am, these little girls, all that I say,

Owed to the imperfect love like no other,

In a lot of ways I'm just like my Mother,

And I should thank her every time I act just like her and cringe.

Around the world and back again,

A mothers love goes on and on.

Happy Mothers Day, Love You Mom.  

How Long

Call it a poem, or call it a song

Doesn't matter to me what format 

I'll state the ways you've done me wrong

Was a doormat for all too long

You found your power at our expense.

Nobody seems to like it when I publicly vent

But to care less would be hard for me.

The fact that your eyes are open

Isn't proof that you can see 

What's really going on.

I wonder how long this cycle has been going

Ponder how many women have knowing

Or unknowingly passed it down.

If what goes around comes around,

Then why did the past fail to haunt you

Let me tell you, I'm shattering this cycle, 

more than broken, it's through 

If the past is the past and the future is what I choose,

I'll make it better for me and mine.

But what if it's not?

What if I'm the kettle yelling "you're black!" right at the pot

Ignoring my own truth, or maybe being blind with ignorant bliss.

The real question in all this is, 

Why am I the first to realize?

Night after night I heard my mother cry,

Just as she heard with hers.

Until the sadness turned to rage, 

aimed at people too young for words,

And then it's a part of them too.  

How many more children will suffer this abuse,

At the hands of women who love them so?

And how far would a mother like me go,

To make sure she doesn't do it to her own girls?

I'd give them the world, and take myself from it too,

If I thought I couldn't be different you.

I was always the one to put my two cents in,

Even though  unwanted my opinions grated nerves

I'm sure they didn't help, my stinging words

The unavoidable truth, you bet your ass it hurts

As it damn well should.  

I'd trade in both my so-called mothers if I could,

Fuck their excuses, and all the bullshit in the past

Your kids shouldn't have to suffer for what you couldn't hack

Emotionally damaged rubbing off for years to come.

You may be that dumb, as to think it's okay

Giving all the excuses to explain away 

I'd like to give you mine, each with the swing of a baseball bat.

But if I were to go and do that, I'd call that pot black again.

I swear all this misdirected rage will end 

With my little family who I hold close now.

I'll burn every bridge leading into my town

To keep it from happening again.

Every Day Sky- April 14, 2013

Every Day Sky- April 9, 2013

Every Day Sky- April 7, 2013

A Simple But Happy Life

It's amazing what you can do with a little color and some positivity.  The balcony of my West Side apartment had one blue chair on it when I moved in.  Now it has a little more life to it, and you can be sure I am going to enjoy sitting out here all spring, summer and fall.  I'm pretty happy about having a little sanctuary right outside my back door.  

I love to decorate and make my home nice.  I am such a simple person, and I like things to be really cozy and inviting.  I wish so badly that I could be a designer but I can't afford art school with two toddlers and even if I could find the money, time, and make the grades, in this job market there isn't any guarantee that I would work...especially with an art degree.

I am okay with not having a diploma that says I'm an artist, just like I am okay with the rest of my simple life.  I grew up without a whole lot, so I am so thankful for the things that I have.  My home may seem a little quirky, but every piece of anything in my house was chosen because it makes me happy. I would be happy if things never changed....if I never advance any farther in my life than where I am right now it would be okay.  I have the best boyfriend in the world and am so in love, two beautiful daughters, and I don't care what size my apartment is on.   It's not that I'm complacent.... But I am so blessed to have this happiness, and I'm not going to let looking forward keep me from seeing how nice the view is right now.  

Every Day Sky- April 5, 2013

Now What do I do with this Macaroni necklace?

A couple times a day very small person usually brings me a piece of paper with some kind of scribbles at the very least, and I steal a moment to dream if they will be artists or novelists.  I will proudly display any art my kids give me, but with the steady stream of new stuff coming in, I'm left never quite knowing what to do with yesterday's art.  

No longer a problem!  I normally don't promote a whole lot...I figure people will decide for themselves or wonder what the heck is wrong with me, but for this Android App I have to rant at least a little bit, so hopefully some Moms will get as excited about ArtKive as I am.  I know i'm going to get a lot of use out of this...and I'm sure my family will love being able to look back on day at all the masterpieces from younger years.

You can take a peek and decide for yourself at:

http://www.artkiveapp.com

Happy Scribbling!

Every Day Sky- April 4, 2013

Every Day Sky- April 3, 2013

Wound Up

Spin it positive,
Paint me a rainbow,
Camouflage this shade of gray.
If you're the optimistic type,
Why do you hear only negative,
Out of all the things I have to say?

But I've thought it before,
How do I know the difference?
Hard to see true colors,
Standing on the fence.
Can't erase all these scars,
I'm sure you have them too.
Maybe, possibly, perhaps,
Come on now,
I'm standing here waiting to collapse.
And you still took your time.
Day Late, Dollar short,
And still no help divine.
I can't help me help myself.
So would up, can't unwind.
Wind me up a little tighter,
What a tangled web we weave.
Yes you, me, and him and she,
And misery's invited too.
What's a girl like me to do?

Every Day Sky- March 29, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 27, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 26, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 25, 2013

Shout Out

Throw the hard balls my way,
Felt life slap me in the face
Took fast another swing.
Make a fundamental change,
Don't want things to stay the same,
My current strategy seems to be weak.
Not quite a blow out,
But this sure and slow leak
Will bring me down eventually.
Constantly stopping to search for air.
If I'm doing something wrong,
Please make me aware,
Cuz I'm clueless at best for the moment.
I'm grateful,
Though I know I always haven't shown it,
There's a lot about me you will never know.
It's a balancing game,
As I sway to and fro
Waiver not when it all comes to a head.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Some direction would help me find my way,
Figure this out in good time.
Beat up by this life of mine.

The Education of Dude

Hey Dude,
Let me educate you.
We're all lost and guessing North.
Compass broken,
Always coming up short.
The glass house we live in,
Glistens in piles at our feet.
Words thrown away, 
Brought it crashing down.
We stared in disbelief,
Like it would never happen,
"No, Not to me!!"
Now the evidence is everywhere,
For all to see.
Dirty Laundry Aired
The hatred was all that you and I shared.
In the end it hurt us both and offered no help.  
This is the very last time.
I put myself on a shelf 
To be set back by you or those just like.
Hey Dude, think it's time you took a hike.  

Self Searching

Finding yourself, I thought would be

More happiness, less misery

Hard to solve riddle, so obscure 

Shoulda read the fine print on the brochure.  

Propaganda prophesying lies,

Printed all in bold, it testified,

"THE FUTURE IS YOURS IF YOU TRY"

Published bullshit delivering lies

Hope you've got some good tricks up your sleeve. 

Don't know how I pictured it would be,

Find myself quick, turn around and leave?

Challenging Over, Game Won, What next?

Leaves me reading over the text

Seeing conspiracy everywhere.

By the time I find me I probably won't care,

Not there yet, don't have a clue when I'll arrive

If life is really about the ride, 

Why am I holding on for dear life?

Surrounded by hypocrites,

"Do as I say and not as I do,"

Looking for myself, just can't figure out who.

All the self searching, 
Is really unnerving,

Pick myself apart all torn to bits.

Can't you see me getting sick of this shit?
All this self-searching...
Who am I without it?

Lately

I think it really glazes things over with sadness
When you realize that I really fantasize
Of all the scenarios in which people are going to bowl me over.
I may be young, but I'm getting older,
And fast...Faster than I should be aging
27 going on a headstone engraving
Felt too much hurt as years have passed
Pulled through the mud more than I could take
Lately I can't stand the pace
Or even find a memory trace
of what young people are supposed to feel like
Or enjoy, 
Passage confirmed my ship's set sail, AHOY!
 Float struggling on struggling miserably.
How strong do I have to be?
The decoy is on the dummie's side,
And neither have a clue
Can't yet grasp perspective,
Waste of the birds eye view.

Every Day Sky- March 20, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 18, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 17, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 14, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 12, 2012

Every Day Sky- March 10, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 7, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 5, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 02, 2013

Every Day Sky- March 1, 2013

Wings to Fly

Fly faster now my little fairy,

Without wings you'd look so ordinary,

They do chase you now to chop them off.

Not positive but fairly sure,

Run so fast that everything's a blur

From Me to You

Seen too much lost and left askew

Not to be scared of losing more

Enough to shake me at the core

If I can't fly, 

What are these wings for?

My passions written off, 

Lost my luster, can't you see?

My eyes have no more light in them

My lungs no air to breathe 

If I don't get it back and soon

I'll lose what little's left of me.

Twenty Seven years lived unhealthily.

Need time and energy to pursue my dreams.

Nightmare left me shuddering in bed

Daymare fills up the extra space inside my head

Lost the ability to wake from it

The nightmare that's the life I live

Spend every day in pain

Fear that it will never change

Feel like an old woman now so young

Tell me why, have I clung to life just to live this way

Don't want to let my life be swept away but things I cannot change.

Did I sign up for this?

If you think I deserve it, 

I don't give to shits.

Not too much can come of it,

But what if my positivity,

is no more than wanting to believe,

The life I lead will be something more than it is now.

Want to fly but I can't remember how,

Feel so sick and hurt all the time now

Doesn't matter what becomes of me, 

At the least I have to try,

What good are wings if you never fly?

Better Off Than Me

Post another quote In a picture on your wall

The world will think you're wise with words so deep and tall

If you really lived by all that

You could rise above it all but you won't.

Sitting here 1,000 miles away

You'd think I'd have even less

Attention to pay to my losses 

My only job is making sure baby girl flosses

So who am I to have so much to say?

The hurt is the same sort I've never done without

Without a clue as to what to do

Take my best attempt to count 

my blessings now

Wanna make it better but don't know how 

Always wondering why, what if could have been

Here I am, it's me again

I know I'm not the only one who got screwed in this.

What I don't know how to handle is this bitterness

Bad taste in my mouth is getting old

Nobody would wanna read the story so far told

Just oblige me now and see yourself for what you are

I preferred the drunk you were back then, 

Just wanna take you to a bar

Retrieve the lesser of two evils.

What's your current choice of drug 

to keep the vacancy filled

Your heart's not the same

Worried about you, Did you even think about the pain

You send us all.

Swung, but missed the ball,

The loss on you.

For the many blame the few.

I have tried,

To put you out of sight and out of mind

All your lies, have left you better off than me

Just can't believe,

Up to my ears in shit, you still end up ahead of me.

Life After The Fall

He came to me right after the fall,

Before I'd found a way to make sense of it all

And I was so ashamed.

But he put up with all the ghosts

That came with me.

He loved me through my misery

and helped to heal the pain.

And to call me afraid is to understate

The sensation I tried my best to sustain

Telling myself he'd just get sick of me and leave.

I was sure he'd have enough of it and change his mind,

Not that he's exactly the quitting kind,
but I'm good at making runaways

I'm a pain in his side to say the least.

I assumed he would need a change in proximity

Because as long as he's down range with me,

He risks letting me ruin his life.

It's amazing how, without having to try

somebody like him could waltz into my life

and teach a person who's been drained, 

by life like a leech,

How to feel alive again.

I was sure that he'd soon be gone with the wind,

instead he taught me how to trust again after all.

I thought I'd be stuck against that wall forever.

Didn't expect anyone to stick around 

With fair weather long gone.
If I need him, he is always down to be what I need

I'm glad he got to prove me wrong.
So wonderful it's hard to believe.

And to think I almost tried to run him off!

Save him from myself, but at the cost of my heart

And I don't know if there's really a part of me that believes,

That the way he feels about me could remotely resemble 

what I feel for him.

All this time, I longed for a friend

Then the piece that was missing

Waltzed right in,

On a wind probably blown by angels to

Answer my prayers.

I feel that if he were truly aware...

If he could visualize the size and the scale 

Of my passion for him,

He's either run away scared or

Fall further in love with me.

But it's getting easier to believe,

That what he says he really means.

The storm, 

It isn't over yet.

Still threatened by the debris.

Worried because again I've found myself in so deep,

So soon after I nearly drown.

Come on love, don't fail me now.

I don't know that I'd ever get back to feeling whole.

I can hear my ex say "I told you so" already in my mind.

Not that he's always been the picture of kind,

But if it all falls through like it did the last time,

It's fool me twice so shame on me.

And then more of my soul would leave, 

never to return.

See, it's not so silly that I dream of being burned,

Even though, right now, things are so good.

You can't really understand,

And I'm glad cuz if you could

It would mean you felt the hurt intensely too.

I would do anything to protect you from know

what it's like.

Sure, you learn how to ride a bike and never forget how,

But you also still remember how it hurt when you fell

off and crashed down,

There's a part that always stays scarred.

It's always there,

Even if you're unaware, hurt is part of who we are.

I guess the good news of it is,

That if we can rise above this,

Then love shouldn't be hard to stay in. 

So when the doubt starts creeping in again,

Please try to understand.

I'm not accustom to such a wonderful man.  

I'm Just The Fool

So much for nice.  

Shoulda known it would all come crashing down

Can't find anyone to trust, 

It's like Karma is laughing at me in surround sound

And I'm about ready to leave this life and try again in another

But These two little girls they need their Mother...

Surely I can do better than the shit I'm in

Haven't I suffered enough for my sins at least for now

Want to make it better but just don't know how

Or where to begin.

I've designed the hell I'm living in

But it doesn't make it any easy to cope

Doesn't matter if I'm at the end of my rope

It'll just have to fray

One too many in a series of bad days

When I think it's almost over the record just skips

Then keeps skipping for the sake of torture

Mommy needs a day off but there's not one for her 

At least not any time soon

Before long she'll vacation in a white padded room

Strapped down so not to hurt herself while she goes crazy

People so cruel it doesn't cease to amaze me

Emotions past shaken, my soul's core is just rocked

And I'm the idiot who Left the dock without my paddle

NowI'm up shit creek fighting an upstream battle

And the scenery's not worth it to say the least.

Every time I try to say my piece

I just end up in tears.

I hate myself, after all these years

After all I've been through and all the work I've done.

The things I have to show are practically none

Found myself back at square one 

And I don't know how much farther I can go.

I know you have to reap what you sow but this is a little extreme.

Pinch myself but it's not a bad dream from which to wake up

Staring at this half empty cup 

With no idea how to fill it up

Water won't just become wine.

With sanity and so much more on the line

And if you ask , I'll probably say I'm fine

But you shouldn't believe me, it's bullshit for sure

Seriously, how much more can I endure

Before I just call it a loss

Apparently happy's the prize of a fixed quarter coin toss

And now I'm just the fool

Obviously not the exception to the rule,

Yeah, life's fuckin' tough...

Tap me out I've had enough.

Validation

     It doesn't take much to make me happy...or to make me delve way to deep into though for that matter...but sitting here just now reading the couple comments and Facebook likes I've gotten since shamelessly plugging my blog on my wall is already enough validation for me regarding my choice to blog.  I can't help but think about how isolating life is as we all get further into it.  It's so hard to reach out to people when you need help, even if it's just to talk, much less to ask for something.  That's why I've always written.  My entire life I have felt like such a burden on everyone around me.  There was never enough growing up....money, time, emotional availability...and I managed to develop and hold on to some kind of complex about my neediness of other people.  

     I never had a car growing up and I would rather miss out on things than ask other people to drive me places.  I would rather have not eaten lunch than ask anybody to lend me a couple bucks if I was short.  I grew up wanting relationships but not having all that many for fear that I would be a burden.  I have always written when I was lonely or when I felt like nobody would understand.  When I didn't want to bother anybody else with my problems, I found comfort in the way my favorite pens felt bleeding out emotions into my favorite notebooks.  Now I find comfort in the fact that I am able to take something that I unintentionally self-isolated myself with and turn it around to use it to reach out to people.  

     Everything moves so fast these days...We carry around tiny computers in our pockets and use brain cells to adapt our normal thoughts to make sense in a 140 character Twitter configuration.  Everyone knows what everyone else is doing all the time thanks to status updates and check ins, but nobody really knows anything significant about the meaningful thoughts and emotions of even a few of the people around them at any given time.  

     I often take my love for writing things down for granted.  I'm not a great writer by any means, but I've met people in recent years that can't sit down and write a letter, much less express anything about their internal environment on paper.  Whether they are good are not, I am so thankful for the way my brain works and how words just pour out of me whenever I want them to (and sometimes when I don't, hence my perpetual sleep debt and friends in need of earplugs). I have found adulthood, and parenthood especially to be a very isolating experience in itself, so I am thankful for the opportunity to connect with other adults, even if it's only through a half assed attempt at social behavior like Facebook or blogging, because it makes me feel like I'm more than just a diaper changer and booger wiper.  Who would have thought that my insatiable urge to kill trees by filling up notebooks with randomness would one day turn into a blog that makes me grateful just to connect with somebody....anybody...because after all life isn't much without the human element.  

     I don't care if everybody who reads this goes right back to being self-absorbed assholes or knocks every word I type....I am grateful for the feeling that for a moment what I have to say matters enough for someone to stop long enough to consider it.  And now I will shut up with all this emotional philosophical ranting....but thanks. ;)

x