Breaking Up

     Breaking up is maddening.  Losing someone is bad enough without having to know they are walking on the face of this Earth and they think it's better without you.  Rejection, seemingly incurable pain, loneliness...so many emotions all wrapped around one concept.  You will never have it back and things will never be the same.  And that person who is so okay with moving on, has left you scarred and doubting absolutely everything your world.
     What began as butterflies, is now a pain in your gut and an ache in your heart.  It's a cloud casting a shadow on everything else in your life.  Everyone tells you it will get better...that you need to move on...and you know that it won't hurt forever but hearing that isn't doing you any good.  It's easy for other people to say.  They get to crawl into bed with their husband every night and have the security of commitment.  Their best friend didn't leave them lost and crying...he's there.
     "Stop thinking about it."  YEAH RIGHT.  I'm packing up all our things and you are elsewhere.  You get to let go of us and life a life of selfish distraction.  These kids, you don't deserve the tears they cry over you.  I can't believe I set them up for this, and I can't believe the ease in which you erased them from your heart.
      I try to be positive.  I'm hoping that one day it will all makes sense.  I'm hoping I will meet someone more deserving...someone who makes me so glad you gave up on me.  More than that I pray I find the strength to be okay alone...because that's what I am right now.  This is not at all what I wanted. I didn't get a say in anything, and you grow colder and more hurtful despite the fact that I don't deserve it.
     Fighting myself...the part of me that loves every hair on your head is at war with the part of me that just wants to make you hurt as you've made me.  Because I'll never really get over this.  I know from experience.  I won't always love you this way, but I will always remember this pain.  It has rocked me, and every fiber of my being resonates with your betrayal.
     You aren't to blame for my intensely emotional soul.  It's like I feel everything more strongly than everyone else on Earth...or at least more than most.  I think the contrast in our emotional landscape is so great that I can't even come close to make you understand.  I don't want to feel this anymore.
     I WANT TO SCREAM!  I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! And while I might release some stress that way, it's not really going to make anything better.  I feel like the world is just fucking with me.  Happiness is a choice they say...sure it is.  I would be truly insane to be happy right now.  I have nothing.  I have no choices.  And I hate you for it.