On Days Like Today

There are days lately when I feel worthless.  I'm 27 years old and it seems that, despite all the hard roads I've been down, I've gotten and am going nowhere.  On days like that I am certain that nothing I have done or ever will do will ever matter.  Then there are days like today, where I let my own definition of a fulfilled life be the only criteria I judge my success by…and I have to say I am happy.  I worry a lot…about money, about the future, about what I will be when my kids are grown and don't need me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would still be worried about those things even if I were an executive with a six figure salary….there is never enough money, but there is always enough money. I worry that I won't be enough and Bobby will fall out of love with me and I will be all alone.  What will I do then?  The truth is I don't know;  but I think that's ok.  I couldn't have told you when I graduated from high school that this is what I would be doing with my life…but if there were nobody around me telling me I should have some job that is traditionally important and have tons of money in the bank, I would see my life as a success. 

I am so in love…and have been for the past 9 months.  I am with a man who loves me for who I am and makes me smile every single day.  Putting my arms around his neck and my lips on his each day is like heaven, and I think I will be kissing those same lips and looking into those amazing blue eyes every day for the rest of forever.  I have two beautiful daughters who I am fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with.  I don't have a lot of money, and can't buy them every new toy and take them on lots of expensive vacations…but I am with them hearing their little thoughts and growing with them all the time.  While I'm not sure if they will ever appreciate our time together as much as I do, I will always remember these times with my little girls that I wouldn't have experienced if I was sitting behind a desk checking in on them at daycare.  They say "life is what you make it", and if I make it all about outside expectations and worry then it's not going to be very happy.  I'm never going to be you, or him, or her, or anybody else for that matter.  I can't say that anybody will ever say "what a great woman" or recognize me for anything in particular.  I used to think those things were important to me, and maybe they actually were at one time, but they aren't any more.  

Sometimes when I am with my little girls I have to stop and appreciate a sudden warm feeling that rises up inside me.  This feeling from places so deep inside my heart I don't consciously know they are there, arises when I do or say things that can only be attributed to the memory of my own mother.  Those that know me know that I have had a rocky relationship with my Mom, just as she has had with the world.  I am constantly amazed at how for all the heartache and turmoil she has put me through, when I think of the first thing I feel is the genuine love and kindness she so naturally has always effortlessly exuded.  Sometimes I still get so mad at her, but I can't stay that way, because after everything has become water under the bridge, the raw emotion I have for her is love an appreciation.  Just the sound of my Mother's voice can comfort me when I'm at my lowest. 

Maybe it won't happen until my children have children of their own, but I what I want for my life is for my family to know that I am a good person and that I tried to love my family, and do everything I can to make others feel secure, happy, and loved.  If my kids one day see in me, what I see in my Mom, then I will have accomplished something in life.  There are so few things in this life that can't be bought, taught, or faked.  I may not be able to buy them the world, but I would do anything in my power to make sure they know that nothing in it could ever change how I feel for them.  I hope my legacy will be one of love…I hope that is enough for those around me, but either way, it's enough for me.  At least on days like today.  :)