If Ever You Falter

You smile at me,

Baby Blues Beam

When I say everything 

You're what comes to mind.

Thought I'd fallen too far behind

Didn't know that I could find

A second chance to live a life of possibilities.

Now knowing what love means,

Leaves me blown away.

Come whatever may we'll stay

Hold on strong.

Love Lifelong.

I can't imagine how crazy I'd have to be

To doubt for a moment

What's between you and me

The real thing.

Happiness took wings to fly

Your eyes are my sky.

Forever's not enough,

But we'll start with this lifetime.

And I would die if you werent near me

Knowing never again could there be such a love.

The stuff dreams are made of.

If ever you falter

For a single second

I think you're not all in,

I will take the time to make you see

Fall in love all over again.  

Show you just how much you mean.

Not trying to post you in.

You might change your mind

But when you start to doubt

Think of a life without loving like you do with me.

If I ever waiver,

bring me back to sanity.

Kiss my lips, all that matters is you and me.

Whirlwind

It's all a whirlwind now.

Staring up to heaven while my world spins round.

Til It's all a blur. 

How much more can I endure

How many more scars

My thoughts spin 'round too,

And I don't know about you,

It's just that sometimes I feel a litle outta my mind.

Happiness is way easier to find than to hold on to.

I just want somebody to sing my songs to.

Tired of Liars,

When I find the truth I'll hold on tight.

Finally get some sleep at night,

Maybe even enjoy being alive.

Less survive More thrive.

Head Above Water

Head above water

Even barely counts

Don't know how long I can tread

Life takes every single ounce of energy,

the air that I breathe

is sometimes all I have.

The end of me,

will surely be soon

Unless I can learn to relax.

There's a price to pay for happiness,

And one as well for doubts.

Keep that pretty place inside your mind

At ready to be brought out,

To serve you when life fails.

I hope you find the wind to fill your sails

Before sailing off the edge of the Earth.

There must be something worth

All this work we have done.

Dear Weary One,

The sharks are circling down below

Overcoming obstacles is all you've ever known.

Precious day it is,

when a smile spontaneously appears on your lips...

When you truly live,

some pretty lucid dream.

Strong as anyone you'll ever meet,

And more so than you know.

If life's a journey,

choose yourself which way to go.

Burden

A thousand miles and back again

Still can't escape you,

Just can't win 

The space between us serves us purposely.

Where do I go to escape my heart?

Started over again but you're still a part of my song.

The one that I've left to sing when I forget the rest.

But this way it's for the best.

Product of a crazy mother's madness 

And a father's disregard

No wonder I find it hard

To find a normal way to be.

What's in front of me will be different.

I won't fail her, as you did with me.

Won't rob a little girl of time to be.

Six years old, can't make you happy

But I'll try.

Brush your hair and wonder why Mommy always cries.

Little girl keeps house when she should play,

While Mommy sleeps the day away

And a baby cries alone.  

In the absence of her mother,

She feeds her baby brother,

and tends to all their needs.

Too much seen,

Too young not to dream

But it's going going gone.

Handle It

So angry most days.

Fly off the handle,

These fits of rage

Leave me feeling guilty.

Overreacting, lashing out

At toddlers and it kills me to know

It's not their fault but mine.

Nothing about this is fine...

Don't ask advice from me today.

I've known nothing but heartache.

So totally restless.

Walking circles around the apartment

Just staring at the mess.

Blinded by the forest,

I can't even see the trees.

With no one left to turn to

I fall to my knees and pray

To find some help along the way

It's all I can do to force a smile each day.

Put myself in a world of hurt and heartache.

Don't know how much more I can take.

Life's a bitch, at that ruthless one.

And I'm supposed to handle this all on my own.

Stranger

Blank canvas, Stare at the wall

Your mind is elsewhere, and down the hall

There's a room that I now share with a stranger.

In the air lurks imminent danger,

crazy too close by.

I didn't take you for the kind to lose it,

Although I know you didn't choose it

You're the reason why I'm so angry all the time.

It's not easy and it's not fair.

The person you were when we met isn't there.

I don't know the answer,

Just like most these days.

Can't cry in front of you, 

shedding tears in the rain,

Please calm this storm in me.

And return you to sanity 

Before I lose mine.

It's a thin line,

And I'm getting close to it.

In the end I hope I've got something to show for it,

All this hopelessness aside.

What I Have To Say

You say that I'm a pessimist,

And I would probably agree.

Tried to make the best of it,

But it stole the best of me.

The doubt was always there inside,

It grew from just a tiny seed.

Now there's nowhere left to hide

From these demons following me.

The reason for what I've become

The path I've walked that lead me here

For all the things I've said and done

To show for it I've only tears.

Afraid to take a set forward

Just to take two back to a negative one

I come undone,

And envy those kinds of hopefully naive,

Promise Sparkling in their eyes.

Til naive meets its demise

And their world crashes down,

all thanks to deceit and lies.

Haven't ever felt normal

Although I've tried

People see through my disguise

Don't understand me?

I'm not surprised at all.

Just like I'm not surprised when no one calls

At least there's nobody to hear me cry.

The good news is that I'm one of a kind,

The bad, the lonliness I always find

Creeping in on me, the silence can be deafening. 

Put the Beatles on and "Let it Be"

Get lost in music where I belong

Leave the thoughts on life to the world in a song,

Pieces of paper to be thrown away.

Yet I keep writing,

Page after page...

Dreaming that eventually,

Someone someday will hear all the things I have to say.

Out Of The Blue

Once upon a sleepless night,

Your smile brought me back to life

From wherever I'd been

Like some kind of Sleepless dream

You pulled me from a place so in between

Now I'm on the mend

Out of the blue 

I found myself wrapped up in you

All if a sudden I'm all butterflies and happy things.  

If I'm sleepin I can be sure you'll be there in my dreams

And when I'm awake you remind me what alive means

Lovin' your goofy grin.

Don't care if it's wrong 

Just passing time Til I'm in your arms again. 

My Life In A Song

Don't know if it's killing me or making me stronger.  

These days, my days keep getting longer,

But I'm still getting nothing done.

What do I expect from life?

To keep up, just for one.

How can I move forward when this chapter's just begun?

I may not like who I've been

Straight from the beginning, all the way to the end.

The girl I dreamed I'd be...

Isn't exactly who I've become.

Now I'm trying to believe that

After all the rain will come the sun.

I'd rather feel the pain than be numb.

Don't know what to do so I write it all down.

No one to listen, so the sounds bounce around in my head.

And Despite what I've always said,

I won't ever stop wishin' on stars. 

If light can travel that far,

I can find faith and press on.

At least the world will hold something of me when I'm gone.

My life in a song.

On the rim of my eye rests a tear.

On my shoulder's the weight of the world.

Being grown up isnt half I thought it would be

When I was just a little girl.

All I know I've learned stumbling stubbornly.

And each day, I'm not who I used to be. 

When the tears fall,

they get wiped away by no one at all.

Stand on the edge of the ocean.

Might as well sail off the edge of the Earth.

Find perspective....

Find a moment to hold.

A place to find shelter when the house of cards folds.

You need a new directive.

Surely life can be at least some of what you expected.

Feel

I may not like who I've been

From beginning to end

The girls I once dreamed  if being

Isn't exactly what I've become

With the wind I've changed

And after the rain will come the sun.

I'd rather feel the pain than be numb

Day Past Deciet

If things aren't quite what you'd hoped they'd be,

Imagine how it feels to be me

Sleeping in a room I was happily called ours.

Your pictures staring back at me,

I'm so confused, still can't believe

That a lie was worth more to you than my heart in the end.

Yet you lied to me again and again,
No excuse cuz you were sober then,
Even without the booze you're not innocent.
Call out to an empty apartment,

Silence proves you're not here.

All we did, all it ever meant,

Is now as pointless as my tears.

If losing you was my greatest fear,

I shouldn't feel so scared without you here.

Fearless should have found me by now.

Lonely won't do justice for,

The solitary confinement that's in store for me.

Was so foolish to beieve,

Whatever percentage you actually met.

Why couldn't you just say what you mean?

Didn't care if you hurt me I bet.

I can't write it off saying "people change".

Huge mistake I made thinking we were the same.

Now I'm coming apart at the seams,

And these two precious little girls don't understand

what it all means...

They say they miss you and we all cry.

Wish I hadn't let you in their life,

Or in mine for that matter.  

Pieces of it are all left scattered.

Hard to keep it all contained.

Want to sit you down,

And have you explain a few things for me.

If I could trust that you would do it truthfully,

I could finally get some peace

Finally having some answers or 

at least letting you know how I felt.

You were worried about my health,

Now it's you that's killing me.

Feel so confused, on this day past deceit.  

Blessing

Unconfortability is challenging 

And life keeps is guessing 

See the change as a blessing 

For it keeps us aware 

Dear Abbey

I told a lie today

You asked what I was thinking

The ache in my heart

Didn't stop me from repeating

The usual words, I'm okay

You didn't want to hear me say

That I doubt you

And then it occurred to me

We can't go on this way but I

Just don't know what to do.

So i write Dear,Dear Abbey

Tell me what's the matter with me

Why am I asking you what I already know?

So many contradictions

Hung up on the encryption

Hold on for dear life,

If you love them let them go

Trust the voices in my head

Or the beating just below?

Fight For Love

There's a breaking point.

You can feel it drawing near.

makes the reason two pieces fit seem unclear.

Push it away, find peace in rage.

It means there's something still.

So you fight for it.

It's worth it.

Don't let it go so easily.

Don't set up a hard fall.

When you think you might be done,

They might see no problem at all.

But love like life has its ups and downs.

Balance Usually comes along.

Hold On Strong to Love.

These hard times, you can rise above.

Wrong

Just don't know what I'm doing wrong anymore 

Feel like nothing is right

Life is such a struggle

These feelings are so hard to fight

What is my dysfunction

Why can't I get it right

On wings of Angels

My prayers take flight 

Will I always cry

Cry myself a river

Can't make it go away

Despite how hard I try

What is so wrong with me

That its so hard to be

Just want some normalcy

But what's normal anyway?

Turning Point

Here I am again, 
The Silence closing in on me.
Unsure of who I'm sposed to be.
Thoughts swirl 'round uselessly,
And I can't stand the scars.
What am I supposed to do,
When I thought I was in love with you,
But don't know who you are.

I don't believe my ears.
Like I was walking around eyes shut.
Now I'm pushing back tears.
Knowing what to do is hard,
While I'd like to follow my gut,
It's not the one in charge.

Turning point,
Point me in the right direction.
Did he course change,
Or was it me that lost my way?
North or South,
Every course holds doubts for me.
It's hard to believe what you can't see,
So I'll wander around aimlessly,
Til the day I find the right way.

Resentment

Am I that selfish 

Or I am I just jealous

Of your ability

To make it all about you

Even when it's about me

And I find it frustrating 

When the original point gets misconstrued 

Then the guilt seeps in

For the anger I point at you. 

The Girl Is Gone

When I'm staring at the mirror

Unconnected from reflections of a 

Person I used to love

Now I barely recognize the girl.

Things that I fear numb the best of

The vibrancy I should see in the world.

Where did she go,

When did she become so cold

Where did she go?

The girl I once knew

Who had such brave confidence

Who's limitations were few

Somewhere Far in between

here and everything

With emotions misconstrued

Wishing just to fit the mold

Seeking relevance,

Where did the girl go?

Invisible

Can you see me?

This invisibility has me feeling stranded

When The Walls Come Down

Mind set on seeing everything 

I can't reign you in

When you're looking for what else is out there

Everywhere's somewhere to begin.

You can search the whole world over

And do most everything

When you come back to find me

Don't expect me to be waiting. 

When the walls come down

And you're sifting through your past

Go back to the place in your mind

Where you saw me last. 

Chasin your own shadow 

Flickered glimpses you can't grasp 

A pretty dream diminished in the darkness absence cast.

If You think it's easy for me

You're far from the mark

I trusted you entirely,

And you trampled on my heart

All I ask is that you recognized

What you've done to me

And I'm glad I've seen with my own eyes

The monster you can be

You have to live with what your chosen

Unfortunately so do I 

I hope the pain will weaken

As more time passes by

Why did you have to be so deceiving

You totally had me believing.   

But When the walls come down

And you're sifting through your past

Go back to the place in your mind

Where you saw me last. 

Chasin your own shadow 

Flickered glimpses you can't grasp 

A pretty dream diminished in the darkness absence cast.

Damn the Unexpected

Damn the unexpected

In this life I've been subjected

To too Many things

I just wanted everything

On track and do much more 

They say when God closes a door

He open a window

Can't give you everything

Like I promised the world would be yours

Now here I'm standing

Unable to provide for my two little girls 

And the reality is that I'm trying my best 

But the failure's so real it keeps pains in my chest

So tired of struggling

I know there's somebody listening 

Insecurities overrunning me

Running circles in this life I lead

Crazy head won't let me be 

It's a reach finding sanity

But I won’t let them down...

Right now failure is the only sound

I hear dissapointment loud and clear

But I’ll run the other way

They deserve it and I’ll pay

any price it might take.

Two little hearts I’ll never break.  

Save My Pain

Save my pain for a rainy day

So much it might break me

Like the rain it won't go away. 

Need somewhere peaceful to be. 

Sing three little birds 

Think of happy times behind me.

What has become of my dreams

Of a happy ending?

Sick

It's too much to bear

Trapped in this I'm alone

When my body and soul,

They just can't get along.

Feel so alive

Not like it's time to die

Holding on.

So be strong they say,

Soon as they walk away

I know it's harder done than said

Cry alone from my hospital bed

Can't even keep the hair on my head,

Falls out,

An I have more doubts than hope.

Need some other mechanism to cope,

So I write.

Hard pretending I'm alright.

Found Then Lost

You don't know what it means

You can't see what it meant 

If my ignorance remained

I'd still see you as heaven sent. 

Just like ones before you

My blatant honesty aside

You said you felt the same 

But just took me for a ride.

All once found is lost on me

What's real anymore

Loved turned worthless energy

But you're still knocking at my door

And I don't know you anymore.

Thank You Past

Whenever I fall

I always end up right where I belong.

Thank you for giving up on me.

You weren't good enough to be my everything,

And just to think, 

I thought it was my fault.

All the bullshit you spoon fed to me,

Had me looking in the mirror to see nothing,

But when I fall

I always end up right where i belong,

like in his arms.

And he taught me what it means to believe.

Now I thank you for giving up on me.

Telephone rings, 

Hello speaks a voice from your memory. 

Mind flashes back in time to a broken place,

Where a girl sits with tears rolling down her pretty face.

Torn in two by a boy who had no clue

what it meant to love.

So crazy was he that he all but forced her to believe 

She wasn't worth the space where she sat.

Voice on the line is saying sorry for all that…

and hope your life didn't turn out too bad

And she was glad to say,

"Actually, i'm on top of the world.

I'm all grown up, and gone's that silly little girl

who couldn't see

You weren't good enough to be her everything.

And just to think,

I thought the whole world would screech to a halt...

Brainwashed by you to believe it was all my fault

and I wasn't pretty enough to hold my head high.

I let you steal the light from my eyes,

But I'll never do that again.

But when I fall I always end up where I belong
like in his arms
And he taught me what it means to believe,
So no need for your apology
Thank you for giving up on me,
So I could be so loved by him.

Honest

I'm not asking what you think of me.

Not quite sure why you think I'm the one pretending.

Sounds real convincing when yours is the only side.

Give me my chance to tip the scales,

I've got nothing to hide.

It's Not You, It's Me

Never for a second thought

I'd be standing here

Delivering news to you

The sum of all your fears

As I watch all of the anguish

That I have surely caused

I pray that one day you'll know

I didn't want this all along.

Don't say you're not good enough

This isn't how it should be

I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused

Believe me, it's not you, it's me.

Degrade Me

Happy lies, truth hurts 

Degrade me a little more

Hey, man, whatever works

For you, and yours

It's so easy to point the finger at me

Say it so much that I believe

All my fault and none of yours

Degrade me a little more

Catch 22

Upset that I upset you

There's a downside to every little thing I do

Choose this or that

Either way I'm screwed
Definition, Catch 22

Dream

Open windows wind blows in

In the arms of my best friend

Still not believing pinch my skin

I love you

And you say you say you love me too

Strangest part is I believe every word you say

Days filled with my wildest dreams

Smiling for the little things 

Time flies by on together days

Whine To The Moon

Wish to the stars,

Whine to the moon

Be hopeful for tomorrow 

Will be here all too soon.  

When you think things are so bad

Be thankful for what you've got

Cuz the air that's in your lungs

For someone else is not. 

Southern Home

Somewhere below the mason Dixon line

Heavy heated souls of Southern design

Glad to be back here, breathing in that Alabama air 

Simple comforts soothed me 

Once upon a time when I hailed from there.

Catch it now in glimpses, what is like to know you're home

Wake up in Alabama,

Southern sounding song.

Crazy Blues

I don't want to feel this

No time to give to Miss Crazy

And speaking of the miss

I haven't really missed her lately.

She's been gone, you see,

Long left aloof and lost in misery.

Floating away on a manic breeze

Like I'm in remission from her disease.

Oh father forgive me, I have sinned.

And here we go again,

Over and over on and on and on

I sing this song, you can call it the blues

But I'll dub it a shade of gray.

Just fighting to find the way,

Gotta first find the will

You must know exactly how I feel

Walkin round in my shoes. 

Skipping record spins the blues.

Together In Flames

You're not the first,
Don't feel bad, 
I'm sure you won't be the last.
What with all the dissapointments I've had
You'd think I'd expect,
but be immune from the pain.
That I'd recognize and quit a losing game.
So naive.
People can change, or so I seem to believe.

Humanity, get it straight!!
What the hell's the problem with the system?
Why do we let each other down?
What goes around comes around means we're all fucked.
And if the word gets out that we're all doomed,
They'll all take the little courtesy most cared to use,
And we'll go down together in flames.

Then there's the one who's mad at the world,
Blocks out the good things he should've let in,
25 years self-preservation kept the hurt away.
But he hasn't felt enough to appreciate.
By the time the walls come down my friend,
You can't get it back, all that should have seeped in,
And without it what's the point?


Humanity, get it straight!!
What the hell's the problem with the system?
Why do we let each other down?
What goes around comes around means we're all fucked.
And if the word gets out that we're all doomed,
They'll all take the little courtesy most cared to use,
And we'll go down together in flames.

Let me in,
I ca see you clouding over,
Over there in the distance.
It seems nice...the serenity.

In My Heart I Know

There are days I wake up chest aching,
Feeling like I can't breathe.
And there are night when sadness creeps into my dreams.
Why is it still here?
Strong after so much time.
Time heals all wounds,
All wounds but mine.  

With you taking up all the space in my head,
I feel lost and scrambled.
Wish I was able to erase it all away.  
But I still feel cheated like you were mine.  

How did I get here?
Lost myself, lost my soul.
And it's just like me...
To let somebody take it all away.
Please take me away

I spend my days looking up trying to see the light.
Running in circles, fighting this eternal fight...
Eternally.
It never ends for me.

So what have I become now,
If I already didn't know,
Who I was without you here?
And it was my instinct to hold on
To the one things I hoped would never leave.
Which further drew you away.

When does a suited match
Not an equal a pair?
What a cruel world.
Not like I expected life 
Always would be fair.
All this pain in me is
A sitting burden on my soul.  

What I see in you,
Man,
I need to let go
Before it ends me.  
But what am I to do 
If you keep subconsciously entering.
Pray for another all consuming love to fill the space.
Assuming my heart is still intact in the first place.  

Day Past

Ring round my finger,

pocketful of consciousness 

Why do we set all up for failure

If life is not a test?

Don't lie to me,

But neither should you confess.

Ring round my finger,

Day past a wedding dress.

Lay me down,

This bed of burdens

Slows my way to sleep

Despite yesterday's words,

I give not my soul for anybody else to keep.

And when I fade away, 

Never to wake again.

I pray love will be there on my second wind,

I won't end up like this again.

So depressed...

Ring on my finger,

Day past a wedding dress.

With A Soul Like Mine

With a soul like mine who could sit still.

How can I see a sunset and not want to chase it down?

How can learn about something I don't want to do,

And see the full circle come around?

Strange Hit

Took a strange hit.
Built the life of my dreams,
Still the pieces won't fit.
I want to rearrange it.

Stack in one hand of the pieces all mixed up.
Count my regrets on the other hand,
Then throw away the lot.
Make room for a happy thought.

So I go in my dreams,
And I'm walking in the rain,
Soaking wet blue jeans,
Big Smile Beams
Get to a place where me and happiness meet.

Keen familiarity.
Knowing what I need and I run,
Towards the right path.

Would it be feasible,
Could it be easier?
Please let it ride.
This is my kind of life.  
Wake up to reality,
a sharp stinging knife.

Mismatch It

Mismatch it

Fucking Fantastic

Twist the words I said up,

Then offer to gift wrap it.

Is there anything else?

You plead insanity.

What exactly does that have to do with me?

Don't try to cover reality

With clouds of bullshit matter.

You're unbelievable...

So scattered.

Matter of fact you're exactly,

The part of this world I could do without effortlessly.

So you might want to go back into your little corner of the world.

It's the one I don't lose sleep over.

You've given me plenty of reasons to shut you out.

Reword it,

Try and re-earn it.

Can't cross that bridge 

Unless you can unburn it.

Everyone here knows you 

don't have a heart of gold in,

They won't believe an ounce

of what you told them.

And the poor few who have

bought what you sold them

Will see it all eventually.

When they come back at you,

I hope you think of me.

Forsaken Life

Little girl only knows the ways of her little world.
She doesn't know her life is bad.
Why would she doubt the choices of her Mom and Dad?
Put out of home and bounced around,
Told everyone else was bad.
Little girl, poor little girl,
Naive for that I'm glad.

What is wrong with you?
How did you do such damage no one can undo?
Maybe I would understand if I took a walk in your shoes,
But I refuse to chance catching crazy.

At the root of it all,
Your sadness radiates.
When times just get to be too much,
You self medicate,
The pain away but just for now.
But relief, it comes too late,
Try you might to numb yourself,
As pain does lie in wait.

So why do you hold on?
Live to sleep, why do you wake?
What's the point of living,
When Life you so forsake?
We hurt for you although in vain.
With our hearts bleeding
We put your name in prayers,
But no amount of pleading,
Penetrates one so unaware.