Park Moment

Every Day Sky- September 6, 2013

Spontaneous Happiness

     Today was one of those days where all the worries I have weighing on me are able to be set aside.  I woke up this morning later than usual because the girls were gone to their Dad's house until Sunday.  My intention was to stay up and clean house, do laundry and dishes and other chores, but instead I went back to bed and wrapped my arms around Bobby.  We haven't had a day with nothing scheduled in a while, and I should have know that was all I needed to put things into perspective.  I am so lucky to be with someone who does that for me.  Bobby and I have so much in common that it's just effortless for us to be with each other...he really is my best friend.  I can't even be mad at the kid because I am just drawn to him in ever way.

     After we both got up today, Bobby and I went over to Joe's and hung out for a little while.  After going on a walk with Joe and Lucy, we went home and had some lunch.  After watching the first half of a rather awful zombie movie, we decided (mostly due to my urging) to get out of the house and to walk downtown for some drinks. It was so nice to be out of the house...I've been stuck at home a good bit lately because we have been without a vehicle.  Sometimes, even when transportation isn't a problem, I find myself craving adult conversation.  There was a couple sitting next to us outside at Strange Brew, and overhearing their conversation, I butted in and we got to talking.  I haven't met anyone in quite a long time that I carried on such a natural conversation with.  We got to talking and swapped numbers so we can hopefully hang out another time.  Right before they left, I went and gave a high five to a guy that looked like a hip Colonel Sanders.  He was another nice surprise, asking me if I smoked and handing me a one-hitter.  

     I always seem to have the most fun when my life is lead spontaneously.  Everything has to be planned when you have kids, and you forget what simple pleasures are like.  Today was such a nice surprise in what seems to have been an endless supply of monotonous or stressful days.  It makes me wonder why I don't venture out more and why I don't have more friends here.  Finding happiness in small ways, like walking hand in hand with Bobby downtown, and good conversation with strangers makes me feel like myself again.  I can talk to anybody...and I love talking to and meeting new people.  All the hard things in life are more bearable when you have a lot of wonderful things to live for.  I have had Bobby for 10 months this weekend, and my girls have been the driving force in my life since the day they both were born.  I am so thankful for them, as well as for days like today when I'm able to remember that I am a person that people like. I should like myself a little more, and have more days like this one.  

On Days Like Today

There are days lately when I feel worthless.  I'm 27 years old and it seems that, despite all the hard roads I've been down, I've gotten and am going nowhere.  On days like that I am certain that nothing I have done or ever will do will ever matter.  Then there are days like today, where I let my own definition of a fulfilled life be the only criteria I judge my success by…and I have to say I am happy.  I worry a lot…about money, about the future, about what I will be when my kids are grown and don't need me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would still be worried about those things even if I were an executive with a six figure salary….there is never enough money, but there is always enough money. I worry that I won't be enough and Bobby will fall out of love with me and I will be all alone.  What will I do then?  The truth is I don't know;  but I think that's ok.  I couldn't have told you when I graduated from high school that this is what I would be doing with my life…but if there were nobody around me telling me I should have some job that is traditionally important and have tons of money in the bank, I would see my life as a success. 

I am so in love…and have been for the past 9 months.  I am with a man who loves me for who I am and makes me smile every single day.  Putting my arms around his neck and my lips on his each day is like heaven, and I think I will be kissing those same lips and looking into those amazing blue eyes every day for the rest of forever.  I have two beautiful daughters who I am fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with.  I don't have a lot of money, and can't buy them every new toy and take them on lots of expensive vacations…but I am with them hearing their little thoughts and growing with them all the time.  While I'm not sure if they will ever appreciate our time together as much as I do, I will always remember these times with my little girls that I wouldn't have experienced if I was sitting behind a desk checking in on them at daycare.  They say "life is what you make it", and if I make it all about outside expectations and worry then it's not going to be very happy.  I'm never going to be you, or him, or her, or anybody else for that matter.  I can't say that anybody will ever say "what a great woman" or recognize me for anything in particular.  I used to think those things were important to me, and maybe they actually were at one time, but they aren't any more.  

Sometimes when I am with my little girls I have to stop and appreciate a sudden warm feeling that rises up inside me.  This feeling from places so deep inside my heart I don't consciously know they are there, arises when I do or say things that can only be attributed to the memory of my own mother.  Those that know me know that I have had a rocky relationship with my Mom, just as she has had with the world.  I am constantly amazed at how for all the heartache and turmoil she has put me through, when I think of the first thing I feel is the genuine love and kindness she so naturally has always effortlessly exuded.  Sometimes I still get so mad at her, but I can't stay that way, because after everything has become water under the bridge, the raw emotion I have for her is love an appreciation.  Just the sound of my Mother's voice can comfort me when I'm at my lowest. 

Maybe it won't happen until my children have children of their own, but I what I want for my life is for my family to know that I am a good person and that I tried to love my family, and do everything I can to make others feel secure, happy, and loved.  If my kids one day see in me, what I see in my Mom, then I will have accomplished something in life.  There are so few things in this life that can't be bought, taught, or faked.  I may not be able to buy them the world, but I would do anything in my power to make sure they know that nothing in it could ever change how I feel for them.  I hope my legacy will be one of love…I hope that is enough for those around me, but either way, it's enough for me.  At least on days like today.  :)

Every Day Sky- August 21, 2013

Every Day Sky- August 19, 2013