I am exhausted. Sitting at the kitchen table after picking my oldest child up from her third day of kindergarten, I wonder if all Mom's are as exhausted as I am right now. While I have moved past the sleepless nights of my children's infancy, this new season we have entered into is just as exhausting, just in different ways. How am I ever going to be enough? I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up, and I should be constantly apologizing to my small children for the future deficits they will sure struggle with due to my failure as a parent. I'm sure I have ruined them for life, and my oldest is 5...what will I feel like once they are in high school? I'm not sure I can face that yet. Staring at the blue form in front of me, I wonder if the PTO really wants somebody like me as a volunteer. The stacks of laundry and sticky finger prints around my house don't exactly scream "Mom has extra time on her hands". I gladly attach the requested ten dollars and reluctantly sign myself up to volunteer for whatever it is that a parent teacher organization member does. But I've been here before, right? I went to school. I brought forms home to my Mom. At one time I was even the littlest kid left behind as my older sister marched bravely into her school career. Now, I feel like the most disheveled Mom in the pick-up line, carrying my younger one in the wagon with fresh jelly stains on her dress from lunch. How do they do it? These Moms with perfect hair and manicured toes? Some days I feel like I can barely get out of bed, much less take a shower...and what is a blow dryer.
Writing it all down, even I giggle a little bit at how silly it seems. Am I really worried about what these other Mom's and teachers think of me? Absolutely...but not for the reasons you may think.. I could care less if Suzie's Mom thinks I'm a mess...what I do care about is how it affects my daughters. I don't want them to suffer for my shortcomings, which seem to be growing as quickly as my two little girls.
Popping my multi-B complex vitamin and chugging coffee I try desperately to focus on the good things. I grew these little people and made it through long nights of feedings and diaper changes. I taught them how to say every word they know (even the bad ones that result in time outs). They are amazing, sweet, caring little girls, who despite my many Mommy meltdowns, are doing well in all aspects of life. Even though a small one, this is an accomplishment.
My little one walks up and says "Hi Mom". She hugs me and smiles sweetly and asks to "learn in her math book". Once again there isn't enough time in the day. All I have time for right now is to take a deep breath, and finish this up by saying, "Hold on, Mom". I have to tell myself I'm doing a good job because nobody else does. And I'm telling any Mom who happens to read this the same thing. I know I"m not the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread sometimes (okay, most of the time). I know I'm not the only one who worries. I also know that this will all be looked back on one day with fond memories, and hopefully we will all laugh about our current worries once this has passed. If you're doing you're best, your children will see it and love you no matter what, and I hope you find peace in that just like I try to.
Writing it all down, even I giggle a little bit at how silly it seems. Am I really worried about what these other Mom's and teachers think of me? Absolutely...but not for the reasons you may think.. I could care less if Suzie's Mom thinks I'm a mess...what I do care about is how it affects my daughters. I don't want them to suffer for my shortcomings, which seem to be growing as quickly as my two little girls.
Popping my multi-B complex vitamin and chugging coffee I try desperately to focus on the good things. I grew these little people and made it through long nights of feedings and diaper changes. I taught them how to say every word they know (even the bad ones that result in time outs). They are amazing, sweet, caring little girls, who despite my many Mommy meltdowns, are doing well in all aspects of life. Even though a small one, this is an accomplishment.
My little one walks up and says "Hi Mom". She hugs me and smiles sweetly and asks to "learn in her math book". Once again there isn't enough time in the day. All I have time for right now is to take a deep breath, and finish this up by saying, "Hold on, Mom". I have to tell myself I'm doing a good job because nobody else does. And I'm telling any Mom who happens to read this the same thing. I know I"m not the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread sometimes (okay, most of the time). I know I'm not the only one who worries. I also know that this will all be looked back on one day with fond memories, and hopefully we will all laugh about our current worries once this has passed. If you're doing you're best, your children will see it and love you no matter what, and I hope you find peace in that just like I try to.
