All the Lies

All right,

about now, 

Again, with the same old shit.

I know most of ya'll are more 

Than likely sick of hearing it.

"Who does this chick think she is, unfriend her because she's so sad"

My emotions are too much for you,

Oops my bad,

How do you think I feel with the burden 

All on my own.  

And you can't even pick up the damn phone, 

Just ignore me all out and altogether. 

Ran away with the friends and the Sunny Weather, 

Gray sky, it breaks her heart.  

It breaks her spirit,

She's broken down now,

This is the part ,

where a light should shine down,

Divine intervention,

6 and two white,

All tapped out.  

No, not that stuff of games.  

Help remembering the pieces still fit

Not that I wouldn't like to forget,

But the parts I forget aren't the ones that haunt me now.  

I want to forget that bastard,

You tell me how,

And I won't stop until it's in the bag.  

Another guy after the heart of my own Dad,

Lie and Leave and let her cry.  

Nobody stands by my side, 

Even though I'm growing to weak

And starting to shake.  

The pain of a thousand seizures 

I'd easily take to not feel your affect on me. 

Better to have never loved at all,

Than to have believed all the lies you told me.  

Out of Love

Wake up sad,

Go to bed the same way.

Over and over again

Day after day,

And I'm a just sick of this shit.

Two little people 

Won't let me quit,

And I won't let them down.  

Just want to smile sometimes

Instead of my usual frown.

My head is killing me,

Still, my heart hurts worse.

By myself in bed I cry

Solitude is my curse,

Can't help but wonder why?

I had such happiness and was so in love,

Just to lose it all.

Out of love is a lonely place to fall.

Who the hell are you to judge me?You didn't contribute to the person I have grown to be,So why butt into my life now?It'd be one thing to write to ask howyou might help out, Or to give some wise words,You might as well have sent a big ole bucket of turds,The message you sent was so full of shit.  Reading, I almost couldn't believe it,That you could be so rude and blunt.  I'm not sure how things are on the homefront,But by the sounds of it not a whole lot's changed.Family, like friends, mostly fairwhether,Either don't know at all or think they know betterBut boy are they far off beat,Wrong way on a one way street,And I'm gonna stop em dead in their tracks.  Make sure they won't try to look backLeave me the hell alone."Becky, you can always come home" I hear it every time I complain online.And like I've said at least a thousand times,I am home, because my little girls have a family here.And why would I take them away from that and bring them to mine?Most of whom can barely help themselves,None of whom have called,My two precious little girls have never even recieved a birthday card from anywhere South.  So yeah, I'm gonna call all ya'll out,Whoop there it is.
And I'm not gonna lie to my kids And talk up my family to be more than it is.Because I'd be just setting them up for broken hearts.So I figured nows the time to startLetting them know that my family isn't good."Why doesn't your family love you?" they sayI'm not sure, I know they should, but they just don't.They can blame it on me moving but I certainly won't,With technology these days.  I've prayed and prayed for things to change, But it's always just more of the same,And every now and then I'll get a messagelike the one on Facebook today.When you long so badly for family to reach out,To get a condescending email from some Great Aunt withoutso much as to question how i am?I'm sorry, I don't quite understand Who the hell are you again?Oh Aunt Debra, I haven't seen you since I was ten,Maybe a handful of times anyway since that age.The things you said put me in a rage,"Take responsibility for your life"You've got to be kidding me, I've tried and I've tried to make people understandI'VE BEEN AWAY 5 YEARS NOW.Of course they don't know I've changed,they wouldn't have any way how,Cuz i haven't recieved a damn phone call until this condescending message,communication was entirely null,And what I would suggest is,If you don't have something nice to say, Don't say anything at all.

My Way

     I'm beginning to see that nomatter what I do, with good intentions or otherwise, I can't please anyone when I make all my decisions based on what I think other people would prefer.  The problems for me is that I don't know how to do things just for myself...because I have lost myself.  I don't know who I am because all I've ever been is what I think other people want me to be.  I don't know where to begin.

     My heart hurts.  I am, like a fool, repeatedly disappointed by the selfishness of others.  Don't get me wrong, I know it is human nature to be selfish, and I don't think I'm immune to it, but I cannot in good conscience ignore the needs of those around me if it is within my power to meet them.  I do this, often times to my own detriment.  I understand there needs to be a balance.  I don't understand how a friend could go to a social function before coming to help me when I'm sick.  I wouldn't be able to enjoy going out for worrying.  I cannot influence the nature of those around me, yet I cannot avoid my disappointment.  How do I still expect that people will treat me as they'd like to be treated?  I'm not stupid...yet my emotion and my logic refuse to coincide.  

     I suppose that's that's why I doubt my sanity lately...All the turmoil between my good nature and this cruel world.  I feel stupid for being such a bleeding heart...one of those people who feels everything so intensely.  I shouldn't have to apologize for caring too much...should I?

     All this pain...I think and write repeatedly that I don't know what to do with it.  That I don't know why I've been through all of this.  Well, maybe I'm starting to see that I needed it.  I haven't let it kill me, but it's now broken things down to a point where simplicity reigns.  It's just me now...I know I can be alone.  I should do what I want, my way, and see what happens.  Can I love myself if no one else does?  Who am I without outside validation?  I don't know yet but I'm going to find out.  

     I'm finding so much truth in all this tragedy.  I feel so passionate when I write all this down.  I've never even found a single person who cares to read it, and still, my entire life I've been baring my soul in ink.  Because it makes me feel....not exactly happy...it just feels like what I need to do. 

     Maybe I should stop being so logical.  Maybe there's not a logical reason for everything.  Human nature has to come in as a variable in some cases right?  I think I'm going to try just doing whatever feels right for me at that moment, and see what happens.  

Cold Getting Colder

Bubble bursts
and it hurts to give up on a dream.
No longer able to pretend
things are better than they seem.
With all the lies I've been told,
Who the hell should I believe?
It's getting old as I grow older.
Conditioned to be cold,
And getting colder.
You can thank reality.
I know all too well how bad it can be.

Who are we to judge?
And why do we in the first place?
Why does everything have to be a race?
Which one of us is best,
Or better at least?
Why do some people find peace
In other's misery?
And how are people like me,
Supposed to know what to do?
And how do people like you look down?
The position in which I'm currently found
Is hardly my fault...
Not entirely anyway.
Who's gonna screw me over today?
It's SO SAD that I've learned to think that way.

Some days I just want to say "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Disregard is all I've ever known.
No place like home,
But I don't have my own.
Built this house of cards,
Buying time until it falls.
Just need four walls that don't come crashing down.
Someone I can count on to be around.
Tired of it being all for not.
Trying to hold on to what little I've got,
Can't bear to lose it all.
How much farther can I fall?

Broken

If  I am so broken
Then what did you want with me?
What do I have to offer you?
Why wouldn't you just let me be?

So many thoughts and things
In my mind have resounded
In light of all I've done
When nothing but my feet were grounded

I took so many chances.
Yet failures are surrounding me.
But where would I be,
If fear had stopped me?

written: 08/31/2012

Nothing Left To Do

Used to have a mother,
But I'm an orphan now.
Used to have a father,
But he disappeared somehow.
I'm sure I had a sister once.
We were torn apart by pain.
I sure do miss my brother.
I miss them all in vain.
The only thing I know for sure,
Is people sure do change.

Hindsight perfect vision.
Too late a bird's eye view.
Perfect course of action,
Once there's nothing left to do.
Who have you become to me,
When all that's left is memories?
And who am I to you?
Standing here on opposite shores,
With a river running through.

Vague Clarity

I've come across the vaguest form of clarity.
The truth is just beyond an almost imperceptible haze,
but the light...affected just so, Is sorely misleading.
Pushing past the fog to see up close,
I realize the visual obstacle was that of my own design...
Born of my own necessity,
Because the truth...
Well, it was more than I bargained for,
And it's pain was practically unbearable with nothing
to filter it's harsh reality.

Kick Me While I'm Down

I let him make me crazy.
Don't know what to do with myself lately.
Walking around in circles pulling hair.
Every time I need someone to be there,
There are more important things than me.
How much less than this could I be?
Who's gonna talk me outta my tree?
Cursed with invisibility,
Even the tears have no purpose now.
Go ahead and kick me while I'm down.

Feel Your Pain

     I know I can't be the only one.  While I have no real way of proving it, I'm pretty sure that you're all full of shit...at least a little bit.  Scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, I see all these shiny happy people proudly displaying proud moments and positive thoughts, and I can't help but wonder why it's the norm to pretend like everything is wonderful all the time.  At the risk of being labeled a Negative Nancy, I'm calling all of you out.  Admit it...the life you display through social media and even in relationships with most people, is all a crock of shit.  This carefully edited version of who we all are isn't who we are at all.  If you truly are Mary Sunshine and find yourself walking on rainbows every day of your life...consider yourself lucky to be the exception to the rule.  If you, like me, are a normal person who's ups also come with downs, then why isolate yourself by keeping all your problems locked away in your heart?  
     I know how it feels to be alone.  Alone, like actually alone, isn't a great place to be, but the worst kind of loneliness is the product of being surrounded by people who have no idea what's really going on with you.  We're all so wrapped up pretending to be happy that we forget to care about what is  

     Isolation...this feeling doesn't come from being completely alone, rather it is multiplied by the number of people surrounding you

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.  People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.  Love hurts, feelings are disturbing.  People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.  How can they deal with love if they're afraid to fee?Pain is meant to wake us up.  People try to hide their pain, but they're wrong.  Pain is something to carry.  You feel strength in the experience of pain.  That's how you carry it.  That's what matters.  Pain is a feeling.  Your feelings are a part of you.  Your own reality.  If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.  You should stand up for yourself and your right to feel your pain.

People think being alone makes you feel lonely, but I don't think that's true.  Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.  I guess you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option.

Think Now

I think I'm alone now.

There doesn't seem to be anybody around to hear me cry.  

Of course I was taken by surprise,

The truth is "I love you" lies

Don't know what to believe in anymore.  

Real life losing game of war,

Of course you'd start winning against me now.  

Hindsight seeing it, just wanna know how you could do this to me?

Don't act all hurt until I leave,

I'm sure you'll breathe a sigh of relief when you can go back to just sleeping and work.  

That shitty life comes with some perks,

But who will make sure your laundry a done?

Made me a loser again, I've never won.

Think it's Over now but I can't move on.  

Beside Myself

It’s just another day alone.

Another night sitting at home,

Holding my phone, but it’s only good for games…

And finding out when the weather will change.

Nobody cares to call.

The only reason I have anyone at all is because they feel sorry for me. 

Wish my mind would set me free,

Wish I could free my mind.

Falling behind in every way there is.

The only reason I put up with all this shit,

Is to do right by these two little kids,

Who love their Mommy probably more than she deserves.

If it weren’t for them I’d never be seen or heard,

Prolonged bouts of silence make me doubt what goes on in my head.

Don’t even want to go to bed,

Siezing up from toe to head,

Gasping drenched in sweat and tears,

Crying out for no one to hear

SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

You’re abandoning the girl who has NO ONE ELSE!

To go out with the guy who lives across your hall. 

Why the hell do you pretend to care at all?

Better yet, why not invite me along?

Haven’t left the house enough lately to know the world still exists.

Forgotten all the things that I missed.

I miss you, Tell you I need you…

Just to get dissed,

And I let you do it perpetually.

Even I’m abusing me.

Just Can't Win

Don't smile at me that way.
Don't pretend to be my friend.
With too many wounds to mend,
I walk away, encumbered by my shame.
It will never feel the same.
So much hate, though love remains,
We are both forever changed.
So many reasons to hate you,
So don't think that I don't.
Don't move in too close,
Don't press your lips to mine.
I hate you, and love you,
All at the same time.
Let ya know if I ever make up my mind.
You're gonna miss me,
In your own time,
And I'll have to say it's too late then.
One day, you act like my best friend,
Just to become someone I don't know again.
Like it or not, I"m sure I'll be just fine.

Because I hate you,
Because I can't escape you,
CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE GUY TO NEGATE YOU,
I'll laugh about it then.
For now I feel stupid because I hate my best friend,
Wasting my breathe,
Because I just can't win.

Nobody

I wish I could hate you like I should.

For me, knowing you, didnt do any good.

Even more alone this time around.

So high up, so fast fell down,

And you escape unscathed.

I have so much love and rage,

I cannot sleep for days and days,

Deciding which way I feel.

The effect on me has been all too real,

Losing marbles a few at a time.

I hope that when I lose my mind,

I'll finally get some peace.

Imagining I'm somewhere Southeast,

Without you showing up everywhere.  

Why does NOBODY care?

The Real Shit

This is where shit gets too real.
When i am sitting here knowing how completely alone I am.
It's not for show....there's no one to see.
No one to care...not even me.
So why am I still here?
A burden, begging for a friend, Love me, care,
make me matter, be there
Without me forcing your hand.
Broken now, too weak to stand.
Crying out in vain.
What do I do with all this PAIN?

Love Is Lost

Where you used to be,

There is a hole in this world,

Which I find myself constantly 

walking around in the day time,

And falling into at night.  

I miss you like hell.

I loved you so deeply,

But for you,

Love wasn't enough.

I wasn't enough.

Between what is said and not meant,

And what is meant and not said,

Most of love is lost.

Run Away

All these words from me to you,
Like you pick up the station, But aren't quite in tune.
But you're not on the dark side of the moon...
You're right here on the same couch, in the same room
Playing video games with a look on your face,
Like you just want me to shut up.
And I feel my cheeks grow red,
You didn't hear half of what I just said,
Worse yet, you didn't look at me once.
Seems pretty harmless now,
But in a couple of months,
You'll barely notice I'm around.
As for me, I'm lonelier than I want to be,
Even now.  Up here in the North...
But my compass points South.
The struggle is to fight the urge to find a way to flee.
Running away from me,
From people who don't appreciate anything.
Because I think I deserve better than that.
You ignore me, , They defy me,
Run to Alabama, never look back.

Tarnished

As I breathe each breath
The fear that I am wasting them
steals more.
Shadows lurk behind every open door.
Promising future regret.
These moments that I lived for 
have become a chore.
Just got in the car,
Already, "are we there yet?"
Frustration sucks the life
from these cherished years.
To fully give my undivided best,
Self-sacrifice,
I've been to the precipice
Forgot about all else
Aside from feathering my nest
But what am I to do
Once all the birds have flown away.
All the pieces of me, set aside,
Won't make sense any more.
All of these days of my life,
Out of context,
Could be anyone's, even yours.

Far off worries...
Right now life's so blurry
I'm afraid I'll look back like amnesia,
Nothing at all.
Keep telling myself to try to slow down,
And let the magic of their youth rub off on me.
Happiness in untarnished beliefs.

Write. Right.

Tell me what you see,
Words make a story,
A Million different views,
She needs to see them
Each one
She doesn't choose,
They roll off her tongue
And from her pen,
In inks black and blue
And every color in between.
Since she was a teen
Tortured artist soul
Half empty cup, goes with the bowl
Overflowing with dreams.
Don't amount to a hill of beans.

It's like I woke up
A stranger to the world.
This life isn't mine,
Wish to do things I feel define
This personality.
Thought eventuality would land me somewhere fitting.
If all these words could make a living,
I'd be living well.
Oh well,
Hope may fade,
But the trace sticks around
Everything I've written down,
Has made sense for me, out of my tumultuous state
of being on Earth.
What is it all worth?
This girl's rambling thoughts,
A legacy,
No one will ever care to read.
All the pieces of me,
So much honesty
Comes out when breaking down.
What conclusions strangers might come to...
At least I have a point of view,
Never too blocked to write.
So what if I"m not doing it right.

Southern State

Sunshine through the clouds,

Oh i close my eyes

Kaleidescope colors multiply 

Somewhere between here and a dream...

In a skirt fit for spinning.

Glasses tinted Rose,

Perched upon a wrinkled up nose,

Kinda girls whose happy shows,

Spin laughing Til we cry,

When it's all too much 

Look to the sky. 

The kne I'm under now...

Somewhere over the rainbow,

Can you tell me how,

To forget the one I know by heart?

Somewhere down I-85,

Up above an Alabama sky,

Homesick like it's an art.

Hard to forget my southern start.

Won't after how long I've been away from home.  

Click my heals and close my eyes...

Sometimes when the light's just right,

I don't feel so far away.

If home is a place,

I'm sure it's a Southern state.