Ode to My Mother

Damn you, 

I mean it...

Thanks a fucking lot.

You're the only one I can truly blame

For this shitty life I've got.

Now that we're both here at the table

Let me show you what I brought

It's safe to say dissapointments in store for you.

If credit's what you're looking for,

I'll give it to you, that's for sure

Your influence had a big effect on me.  

I've become what I said I'd never be

Despite my desire and attempts at avoiding

Everybody who said it was right...

I'm just like you,

Hope you can sleep at night

Knowing that even though I fought the good fight

Your disease carries over with me.

I don't even know where to begin with you,

Out of order, reasons come easily

Long story short, I hate myself

For letting you become of me.

What do I mean?

If you must know,

I've gone where I said I'd never go

Become the one thing I've always known

I never wanted to be.

"What's that got to do with me"

I can hear you say

And in my ears a favorite song plays,

"You're such an inspiration for the ways I'll never ever choose to be"

Still, I've followed in your footsteps fatefully

Which just makes it all even worse.

I wasn't even ignorant to your curse,

Yet I couldn't manage to avoid it still.  

Like a shot that misses the kill,

For I'll suffer and spoil but not die.

Don't act all happy like we're on the same side

Now you don't have to fail all alone.

The lights are on but nobody's home,

I'm surprised you're even awake.

I tried but I can't even fake

complacency on your level.

I'd probably make a deal with the devil,

To shake this comparison.

Want suggestions, oh you don't?

Well regardless I've got one you should take...

Pray that I wind up different and for God's sake

Don't torture me anymore.

After all, what are mother's for?

Came to terms with the reality of being you,

I'm finally glad you never attempted to

Be a grandmother to my kids.

When they ask,

I'll tell them it's the best thing you ever did

Being way too uninterested to take an active role.

Surely you would have taken a toll on them too.

Then you know I'd have to kill you...

Or rather put your misery to an end.

It's not like you have a single friend

Or anybody who can't survive without you around.

We'll all be better off when you're six feet under ground

You can sleep all you want and your voice won't resound in our heads.

To be fair, to me, you're already dead anyway.

When you're actually gone, I won't have much to say but Thank God.

Rest in Peace you miserable broad.

Heavy Heart

Lay my head down

To heavy to hold upright.

Heavy head, heavy heart

There's too little that's right.

Alone now with my burdens,

til I just can't sleep at night.

No answers find their way to me.

Can't pretend now

As I wallow in self pity

Somehow scrounge up strength to breathe.

Without anything profound to say,

Not knowing what to do

To Find a little peace

My Mind goes straight to you.

I don't have much to offer,

Strike That,

I've got nothing now to give.

Right back at square one is where I live,

And I've had enough of it.

If I knew how to be better,

The moon and stars I'd gift to you.

Please hold onto hope in me

Til I make all these promises come true.  

Same In The End

My heart begins to pound

As the light begins to fade.

More than likely I should welcome it

Mistakes made me afraid

And the fear, it rises in up in me

The lines begin to blur

Beside myself, I see her.  

Put myself in a safe place.

I'll find some honesty there.

While I try so hard to save face,

I can't help but be scared...

That things will never get better 

or better yet they'll get worse.

Feel cursed to screw up again and again. 

Everything's the same in the end.  

Birdsong

Birdsong rings out from a tree up high.

On my back, looking up through the leaves the sky is blue

And where it's sparse the sun shines through

More freckles for my shoulders.

I'll never grow up, though I keep growing older,

I always separate the two.

Moonset brings each day anew,

And I'm ever thankful for the dawn.

Mind wanders and carries out with the birdsong

The breeze floats the stress away.

Save it for another day

Don't need it at the moment.

Taking in fresh air so I can vent.  

All these troubles

All these worries

All these nightmares to wake up from

Out of breathe, hear my heart

It's drumming much to fast.

All the heartache.

All the anxiety

Like a ship adrift in a stormy sea

With no land in sight to see,

How long will this last?

Uncertain times are making me,

Lose my Mind, not breaking me

Down so low.

Which way is up from here down below?

Feel sure that I'm about to erupt.

And as for my cup, it's not exactly running over

Two tattooed four leaf clovers

But I don't believe in luck.

Sick of going nowhere, feeling stuck.  

Faith

I have faith in us

One of these days we'll have a bed that doesn't blow up

and a family of our own.

We'll swing at what we're thrown

And I'm sure we'll strike out ever now and then.

But we get to win in the end

With our love as an umbrella

We can make it through the rain

To see life in a whole new light

Thank God my life will never be the same.

Here we stand

In between

Where we are now

Is not where we want to be

But I'm thankful

We have something real

Most people can only dream

So sure of how I feel

Now you're in it with me

And I'm not in this alone

Not Anymore

I believe you're who I was made for

You make it so easy

Everything, you're everything

Close my eyes and see you smiling

The smile I love best

Next to you my soul can rest

I remember me why I fight

Fought so hard to get it right

Guess I just needed you.

We can start with I love you

And spend forever watching it grow

It's like you're all I've ever known.  

Just need a chance to

Work my way through

The mess I've made,

So I'm here today

Making promises

Hopefully I can keep them all.

From where I am now

There's not too far to fall

But I'm looking up

Someday I'll have more than love

in my cup

For now that's enough for me

Do what I can do,

And let the rest be.  

I'll be okay as long as you're with me.

Dissapointment

I’d be more than surprised if you
Every actually followed through

With anything to do with me 

Or for that matter to do with anybody but yourself.

My vision blurred with disappointment in it’s liquid form

Like on the day when I was born.

Except you loved me then.

I consider it a terrible sin to stop loving people you yourself made.

Lucky for you they don’t give a grade for motherhood

The one you’d earn would surely burn a perfectionist like you.

Do what you do,

They’ll all eventually see 

that because you’re skilled in saying what you’d like them to believe

It doesn’t make it true. 

If I believed everything you told me to,

I’m sure I’d be worse off than you 

And in a bigger world of hurt.  

Lower than low with my face in the dirt

Looking around hoping no one could see.

If what’s become of you in the end becomes of me,

I should just quit now.

Buy a one way ticket on the suicide line, get outta town. 

The roller coaster ride just wouldn’t be worth it

Just to end it all in a bottomless pit of dispair.

I wonder what things will be like without you there

Practically a waste of air... as bad as it sounds.

You act like you’re too old to come around,

but I think you’re just afraid.

Wish you’d think of all the sunny days 

You sat inside and prayed for rain,

While your kids just prayed and prayed for change or more.

Is it too much to ask for, for you just to try

So concerned with the clouds that you can’t see the sky

You were young once and dreamed you could fly,At least I hope.  

I grew up waiting to find you hanging from a rope

soul long gone.

Can’t you see, everything’s not that wrong

Not enough anyway, to become but a shell

And I’d bet anyday, that you’ll eventually be well

And Find happy too.

But if I took that wager,

I’d find myself in danger of being as crazy as you.

If your foot were in my shoe, 

What would you do

Going It Alone

So this is me going it alone.

Doing what needs to be done.
Fought and scratched my whole life through
Lost some but i won some too
But never thought I'd be so alone.
1000 miles away from home
But way too close to crazy
Fight it till it breaks me.

Go ahead, Eat your heart out... Have mine too.
It beats but I've no use for it.
Are you calling me a hypocrite,
Well then, youre a self righteous cunt.
Take a step inside my shoes
And feel the walls closing in
Chest spasming getting tight
Till you can't sleep at night
Now you don't eat either.
This isn't anything like a leave it to beaver life.

But instead, you selfish bitch
You should mine your p's and q's
So long as you know that i do what i do with no regard for you
You must have a mad high fever
Or have have you been crazy you're whole life through.

And what do you're expect me to do
Hard to get something from nothing.
The sound of your words starts to make my ears ring
And like you it will persist
In case you don't get the gist of what i say.
Get out of my face...