Beside Myself

It’s just another day alone.

Another night sitting at home,

Holding my phone, but it’s only good for games…

And finding out when the weather will change.

Nobody cares to call.

The only reason I have anyone at all is because they feel sorry for me. 

Wish my mind would set me free,

Wish I could free my mind.

Falling behind in every way there is.

The only reason I put up with all this shit,

Is to do right by these two little kids,

Who love their Mommy probably more than she deserves.

If it weren’t for them I’d never be seen or heard,

Prolonged bouts of silence make me doubt what goes on in my head.

Don’t even want to go to bed,

Siezing up from toe to head,

Gasping drenched in sweat and tears,

Crying out for no one to hear

SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

You’re abandoning the girl who has NO ONE ELSE!

To go out with the guy who lives across your hall. 

Why the hell do you pretend to care at all?

Better yet, why not invite me along?

Haven’t left the house enough lately to know the world still exists.

Forgotten all the things that I missed.

I miss you, Tell you I need you…

Just to get dissed,

And I let you do it perpetually.

Even I’m abusing me.

Just Can't Win

Don't smile at me that way.
Don't pretend to be my friend.
With too many wounds to mend,
I walk away, encumbered by my shame.
It will never feel the same.
So much hate, though love remains,
We are both forever changed.
So many reasons to hate you,
So don't think that I don't.
Don't move in too close,
Don't press your lips to mine.
I hate you, and love you,
All at the same time.
Let ya know if I ever make up my mind.
You're gonna miss me,
In your own time,
And I'll have to say it's too late then.
One day, you act like my best friend,
Just to become someone I don't know again.
Like it or not, I"m sure I'll be just fine.

Because I hate you,
Because I can't escape you,
CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE GUY TO NEGATE YOU,
I'll laugh about it then.
For now I feel stupid because I hate my best friend,
Wasting my breathe,
Because I just can't win.

Nobody

I wish I could hate you like I should.

For me, knowing you, didnt do any good.

Even more alone this time around.

So high up, so fast fell down,

And you escape unscathed.

I have so much love and rage,

I cannot sleep for days and days,

Deciding which way I feel.

The effect on me has been all too real,

Losing marbles a few at a time.

I hope that when I lose my mind,

I'll finally get some peace.

Imagining I'm somewhere Southeast,

Without you showing up everywhere.  

Why does NOBODY care?

The Real Shit

This is where shit gets too real.
When i am sitting here knowing how completely alone I am.
It's not for show....there's no one to see.
No one to care...not even me.
So why am I still here?
A burden, begging for a friend, Love me, care,
make me matter, be there
Without me forcing your hand.
Broken now, too weak to stand.
Crying out in vain.
What do I do with all this PAIN?

Love Is Lost

Where you used to be,

There is a hole in this world,

Which I find myself constantly 

walking around in the day time,

And falling into at night.  

I miss you like hell.

I loved you so deeply,

But for you,

Love wasn't enough.

I wasn't enough.

Between what is said and not meant,

And what is meant and not said,

Most of love is lost.

Run Away

All these words from me to you,
Like you pick up the station, But aren't quite in tune.
But you're not on the dark side of the moon...
You're right here on the same couch, in the same room
Playing video games with a look on your face,
Like you just want me to shut up.
And I feel my cheeks grow red,
You didn't hear half of what I just said,
Worse yet, you didn't look at me once.
Seems pretty harmless now,
But in a couple of months,
You'll barely notice I'm around.
As for me, I'm lonelier than I want to be,
Even now.  Up here in the North...
But my compass points South.
The struggle is to fight the urge to find a way to flee.
Running away from me,
From people who don't appreciate anything.
Because I think I deserve better than that.
You ignore me, , They defy me,
Run to Alabama, never look back.

Tarnished

As I breathe each breath
The fear that I am wasting them
steals more.
Shadows lurk behind every open door.
Promising future regret.
These moments that I lived for 
have become a chore.
Just got in the car,
Already, "are we there yet?"
Frustration sucks the life
from these cherished years.
To fully give my undivided best,
Self-sacrifice,
I've been to the precipice
Forgot about all else
Aside from feathering my nest
But what am I to do
Once all the birds have flown away.
All the pieces of me, set aside,
Won't make sense any more.
All of these days of my life,
Out of context,
Could be anyone's, even yours.

Far off worries...
Right now life's so blurry
I'm afraid I'll look back like amnesia,
Nothing at all.
Keep telling myself to try to slow down,
And let the magic of their youth rub off on me.
Happiness in untarnished beliefs.