I'm Just The Fool

So much for nice.  

Shoulda known it would all come crashing down

Can't find anyone to trust, 

It's like Karma is laughing at me in surround sound

And I'm about ready to leave this life and try again in another

But These two little girls they need their Mother...

Surely I can do better than the shit I'm in

Haven't I suffered enough for my sins at least for now

Want to make it better but just don't know how

Or where to begin.

I've designed the hell I'm living in

But it doesn't make it any easy to cope

Doesn't matter if I'm at the end of my rope

It'll just have to fray

One too many in a series of bad days

When I think it's almost over the record just skips

Then keeps skipping for the sake of torture

Mommy needs a day off but there's not one for her 

At least not any time soon

Before long she'll vacation in a white padded room

Strapped down so not to hurt herself while she goes crazy

People so cruel it doesn't cease to amaze me

Emotions past shaken, my soul's core is just rocked

And I'm the idiot who Left the dock without my paddle

NowI'm up shit creek fighting an upstream battle

And the scenery's not worth it to say the least.

Every time I try to say my piece

I just end up in tears.

I hate myself, after all these years

After all I've been through and all the work I've done.

The things I have to show are practically none

Found myself back at square one 

And I don't know how much farther I can go.

I know you have to reap what you sow but this is a little extreme.

Pinch myself but it's not a bad dream from which to wake up

Staring at this half empty cup 

With no idea how to fill it up

Water won't just become wine.

With sanity and so much more on the line

And if you ask , I'll probably say I'm fine

But you shouldn't believe me, it's bullshit for sure

Seriously, how much more can I endure

Before I just call it a loss

Apparently happy's the prize of a fixed quarter coin toss

And now I'm just the fool

Obviously not the exception to the rule,

Yeah, life's fuckin' tough...

Tap me out I've had enough.

Validation

     It doesn't take much to make me happy...or to make me delve way to deep into though for that matter...but sitting here just now reading the couple comments and Facebook likes I've gotten since shamelessly plugging my blog on my wall is already enough validation for me regarding my choice to blog.  I can't help but think about how isolating life is as we all get further into it.  It's so hard to reach out to people when you need help, even if it's just to talk, much less to ask for something.  That's why I've always written.  My entire life I have felt like such a burden on everyone around me.  There was never enough growing up....money, time, emotional availability...and I managed to develop and hold on to some kind of complex about my neediness of other people.  

     I never had a car growing up and I would rather miss out on things than ask other people to drive me places.  I would rather have not eaten lunch than ask anybody to lend me a couple bucks if I was short.  I grew up wanting relationships but not having all that many for fear that I would be a burden.  I have always written when I was lonely or when I felt like nobody would understand.  When I didn't want to bother anybody else with my problems, I found comfort in the way my favorite pens felt bleeding out emotions into my favorite notebooks.  Now I find comfort in the fact that I am able to take something that I unintentionally self-isolated myself with and turn it around to use it to reach out to people.  

     Everything moves so fast these days...We carry around tiny computers in our pockets and use brain cells to adapt our normal thoughts to make sense in a 140 character Twitter configuration.  Everyone knows what everyone else is doing all the time thanks to status updates and check ins, but nobody really knows anything significant about the meaningful thoughts and emotions of even a few of the people around them at any given time.  

     I often take my love for writing things down for granted.  I'm not a great writer by any means, but I've met people in recent years that can't sit down and write a letter, much less express anything about their internal environment on paper.  Whether they are good are not, I am so thankful for the way my brain works and how words just pour out of me whenever I want them to (and sometimes when I don't, hence my perpetual sleep debt and friends in need of earplugs). I have found adulthood, and parenthood especially to be a very isolating experience in itself, so I am thankful for the opportunity to connect with other adults, even if it's only through a half assed attempt at social behavior like Facebook or blogging, because it makes me feel like I'm more than just a diaper changer and booger wiper.  Who would have thought that my insatiable urge to kill trees by filling up notebooks with randomness would one day turn into a blog that makes me grateful just to connect with somebody....anybody...because after all life isn't much without the human element.  

     I don't care if everybody who reads this goes right back to being self-absorbed assholes or knocks every word I type....I am grateful for the feeling that for a moment what I have to say matters enough for someone to stop long enough to consider it.  And now I will shut up with all this emotional philosophical ranting....but thanks. ;)

x

Ode to My Mother

Damn you, 

I mean it...

Thanks a fucking lot.

You're the only one I can truly blame

For this shitty life I've got.

Now that we're both here at the table

Let me show you what I brought

It's safe to say dissapointments in store for you.

If credit's what you're looking for,

I'll give it to you, that's for sure

Your influence had a big effect on me.  

I've become what I said I'd never be

Despite my desire and attempts at avoiding

Everybody who said it was right...

I'm just like you,

Hope you can sleep at night

Knowing that even though I fought the good fight

Your disease carries over with me.

I don't even know where to begin with you,

Out of order, reasons come easily

Long story short, I hate myself

For letting you become of me.

What do I mean?

If you must know,

I've gone where I said I'd never go

Become the one thing I've always known

I never wanted to be.

"What's that got to do with me"

I can hear you say

And in my ears a favorite song plays,

"You're such an inspiration for the ways I'll never ever choose to be"

Still, I've followed in your footsteps fatefully

Which just makes it all even worse.

I wasn't even ignorant to your curse,

Yet I couldn't manage to avoid it still.  

Like a shot that misses the kill,

For I'll suffer and spoil but not die.

Don't act all happy like we're on the same side

Now you don't have to fail all alone.

The lights are on but nobody's home,

I'm surprised you're even awake.

I tried but I can't even fake

complacency on your level.

I'd probably make a deal with the devil,

To shake this comparison.

Want suggestions, oh you don't?

Well regardless I've got one you should take...

Pray that I wind up different and for God's sake

Don't torture me anymore.

After all, what are mother's for?

Came to terms with the reality of being you,

I'm finally glad you never attempted to

Be a grandmother to my kids.

When they ask,

I'll tell them it's the best thing you ever did

Being way too uninterested to take an active role.

Surely you would have taken a toll on them too.

Then you know I'd have to kill you...

Or rather put your misery to an end.

It's not like you have a single friend

Or anybody who can't survive without you around.

We'll all be better off when you're six feet under ground

You can sleep all you want and your voice won't resound in our heads.

To be fair, to me, you're already dead anyway.

When you're actually gone, I won't have much to say but Thank God.

Rest in Peace you miserable broad.

Heavy Heart

Lay my head down

To heavy to hold upright.

Heavy head, heavy heart

There's too little that's right.

Alone now with my burdens,

til I just can't sleep at night.

No answers find their way to me.

Can't pretend now

As I wallow in self pity

Somehow scrounge up strength to breathe.

Without anything profound to say,

Not knowing what to do

To Find a little peace

My Mind goes straight to you.

I don't have much to offer,

Strike That,

I've got nothing now to give.

Right back at square one is where I live,

And I've had enough of it.

If I knew how to be better,

The moon and stars I'd gift to you.

Please hold onto hope in me

Til I make all these promises come true.  

Same In The End

My heart begins to pound

As the light begins to fade.

More than likely I should welcome it

Mistakes made me afraid

And the fear, it rises in up in me

The lines begin to blur

Beside myself, I see her.  

Put myself in a safe place.

I'll find some honesty there.

While I try so hard to save face,

I can't help but be scared...

That things will never get better 

or better yet they'll get worse.

Feel cursed to screw up again and again. 

Everything's the same in the end.  

Birdsong

Birdsong rings out from a tree up high.

On my back, looking up through the leaves the sky is blue

And where it's sparse the sun shines through

More freckles for my shoulders.

I'll never grow up, though I keep growing older,

I always separate the two.

Moonset brings each day anew,

And I'm ever thankful for the dawn.

Mind wanders and carries out with the birdsong

The breeze floats the stress away.

Save it for another day

Don't need it at the moment.

Taking in fresh air so I can vent.  

All these troubles

All these worries

All these nightmares to wake up from

Out of breathe, hear my heart

It's drumming much to fast.

All the heartache.

All the anxiety

Like a ship adrift in a stormy sea

With no land in sight to see,

How long will this last?

Uncertain times are making me,

Lose my Mind, not breaking me

Down so low.

Which way is up from here down below?

Feel sure that I'm about to erupt.

And as for my cup, it's not exactly running over

Two tattooed four leaf clovers

But I don't believe in luck.

Sick of going nowhere, feeling stuck.  

Faith

I have faith in us

One of these days we'll have a bed that doesn't blow up

and a family of our own.

We'll swing at what we're thrown

And I'm sure we'll strike out ever now and then.

But we get to win in the end

With our love as an umbrella

We can make it through the rain

To see life in a whole new light

Thank God my life will never be the same.

Here we stand

In between

Where we are now

Is not where we want to be

But I'm thankful

We have something real

Most people can only dream

So sure of how I feel

Now you're in it with me

And I'm not in this alone

Not Anymore

I believe you're who I was made for

You make it so easy

Everything, you're everything

Close my eyes and see you smiling

The smile I love best

Next to you my soul can rest

I remember me why I fight

Fought so hard to get it right

Guess I just needed you.

We can start with I love you

And spend forever watching it grow

It's like you're all I've ever known.  

Just need a chance to

Work my way through

The mess I've made,

So I'm here today

Making promises

Hopefully I can keep them all.

From where I am now

There's not too far to fall

But I'm looking up

Someday I'll have more than love

in my cup

For now that's enough for me

Do what I can do,

And let the rest be.  

I'll be okay as long as you're with me.