Hold On, Mom

     I am exhausted.  Sitting at the kitchen table after picking my oldest child up from her third day of kindergarten, I wonder if all Mom's are as exhausted as I am right now.  While I have moved past the sleepless nights of my children's infancy, this new season we have entered into is just as exhausting, just in different ways.  How am I ever going to be enough?  I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up, and I should be constantly apologizing to my small children for the future deficits they will sure struggle with due to my failure as a parent.  I'm sure I have ruined them for life, and my oldest is 5...what will I feel like once they are in high school?  I'm not sure I can face that yet.     Staring at the blue form in front of me, I wonder if the PTO really wants somebody like me as a volunteer.  The stacks of laundry and sticky finger prints around my house don't exactly scream "Mom has extra time on her hands".  I gladly attach the requested ten dollars and reluctantly sign myself up to volunteer for whatever it is that a parent teacher organization member does.       But I've been here before, right?  I went to school.  I brought forms home to my Mom.  At one time I was even the littlest kid left behind as my older sister marched bravely into her school career.  Now, I feel like the most disheveled Mom in the pick-up line, carrying my younger one in the wagon with fresh jelly stains on her dress from lunch.  How do they do it?  These Moms with perfect hair and manicured toes?  Some days I feel like I can barely get out of bed, much less take a shower...and what is a blow dryer.
     Writing it all down, even I giggle a little bit at how silly it seems.  Am I really worried about what these other Mom's and teachers think of me?  Absolutely...but not for the reasons you may think..  I could care less if Suzie's Mom thinks I'm a mess...what I do care about is how it affects my daughters.  I don't want them to suffer for my shortcomings, which seem to be growing as quickly as my two little girls.
     Popping my multi-B complex vitamin and chugging coffee I try desperately to focus on the good things.  I grew these little people and made it through long nights of feedings and diaper changes.  I taught them how to say every word they know (even the bad ones that result in time outs).  They are amazing, sweet, caring little girls, who despite my many Mommy meltdowns, are doing well in all aspects of life.  Even though a small one, this is an accomplishment.
     My little one walks up and says "Hi Mom".  She hugs me and smiles sweetly and asks to "learn in her math book".  Once again there isn't enough time in the day.  All I have time for right now is to take a deep breath, and finish this up by saying, "Hold on, Mom".  I have to tell myself I'm doing a good job because nobody else does.  And I'm telling any Mom who happens to read this the same thing. I know I"m not the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread sometimes (okay, most of the time).  I know I'm not the only one who worries.  I also know that this will all be looked back on one day with fond memories, and hopefully we will all laugh about our current worries once this has passed. If you're doing you're best, your children will see it and love you no matter what, and I hope you find peace in that just like I try to.  

All the Lies

All right,

about now, 

Again, with the same old shit.

I know most of ya'll are more 

Than likely sick of hearing it.

"Who does this chick think she is, unfriend her because she's so sad"

My emotions are too much for you,

Oops my bad,

How do you think I feel with the burden 

All on my own.  

And you can't even pick up the damn phone, 

Just ignore me all out and altogether. 

Ran away with the friends and the Sunny Weather, 

Gray sky, it breaks her heart.  

It breaks her spirit,

She's broken down now,

This is the part ,

where a light should shine down,

Divine intervention,

6 and two white,

All tapped out.  

No, not that stuff of games.  

Help remembering the pieces still fit

Not that I wouldn't like to forget,

But the parts I forget aren't the ones that haunt me now.  

I want to forget that bastard,

You tell me how,

And I won't stop until it's in the bag.  

Another guy after the heart of my own Dad,

Lie and Leave and let her cry.  

Nobody stands by my side, 

Even though I'm growing to weak

And starting to shake.  

The pain of a thousand seizures 

I'd easily take to not feel your affect on me. 

Better to have never loved at all,

Than to have believed all the lies you told me.  

Out of Love

Wake up sad,

Go to bed the same way.

Over and over again

Day after day,

And I'm a just sick of this shit.

Two little people 

Won't let me quit,

And I won't let them down.  

Just want to smile sometimes

Instead of my usual frown.

My head is killing me,

Still, my heart hurts worse.

By myself in bed I cry

Solitude is my curse,

Can't help but wonder why?

I had such happiness and was so in love,

Just to lose it all.

Out of love is a lonely place to fall.

Who the hell are you to judge me?You didn't contribute to the person I have grown to be,So why butt into my life now?It'd be one thing to write to ask howyou might help out, Or to give some wise words,You might as well have sent a big ole bucket of turds,The message you sent was so full of shit.  Reading, I almost couldn't believe it,That you could be so rude and blunt.  I'm not sure how things are on the homefront,But by the sounds of it not a whole lot's changed.Family, like friends, mostly fairwhether,Either don't know at all or think they know betterBut boy are they far off beat,Wrong way on a one way street,And I'm gonna stop em dead in their tracks.  Make sure they won't try to look backLeave me the hell alone."Becky, you can always come home" I hear it every time I complain online.And like I've said at least a thousand times,I am home, because my little girls have a family here.And why would I take them away from that and bring them to mine?Most of whom can barely help themselves,None of whom have called,My two precious little girls have never even recieved a birthday card from anywhere South.  So yeah, I'm gonna call all ya'll out,Whoop there it is.
And I'm not gonna lie to my kids And talk up my family to be more than it is.Because I'd be just setting them up for broken hearts.So I figured nows the time to startLetting them know that my family isn't good."Why doesn't your family love you?" they sayI'm not sure, I know they should, but they just don't.They can blame it on me moving but I certainly won't,With technology these days.  I've prayed and prayed for things to change, But it's always just more of the same,And every now and then I'll get a messagelike the one on Facebook today.When you long so badly for family to reach out,To get a condescending email from some Great Aunt withoutso much as to question how i am?I'm sorry, I don't quite understand Who the hell are you again?Oh Aunt Debra, I haven't seen you since I was ten,Maybe a handful of times anyway since that age.The things you said put me in a rage,"Take responsibility for your life"You've got to be kidding me, I've tried and I've tried to make people understandI'VE BEEN AWAY 5 YEARS NOW.Of course they don't know I've changed,they wouldn't have any way how,Cuz i haven't recieved a damn phone call until this condescending message,communication was entirely null,And what I would suggest is,If you don't have something nice to say, Don't say anything at all.

Breaking Up

     Breaking up is maddening.  Losing someone is bad enough without having to know they are walking on the face of this Earth and they think it's better without you.  Rejection, seemingly incurable pain, loneliness...so many emotions all wrapped around one concept.  You will never have it back and things will never be the same.  And that person who is so okay with moving on, has left you scarred and doubting absolutely everything your world.
     What began as butterflies, is now a pain in your gut and an ache in your heart.  It's a cloud casting a shadow on everything else in your life.  Everyone tells you it will get better...that you need to move on...and you know that it won't hurt forever but hearing that isn't doing you any good.  It's easy for other people to say.  They get to crawl into bed with their husband every night and have the security of commitment.  Their best friend didn't leave them lost and crying...he's there.
     "Stop thinking about it."  YEAH RIGHT.  I'm packing up all our things and you are elsewhere.  You get to let go of us and life a life of selfish distraction.  These kids, you don't deserve the tears they cry over you.  I can't believe I set them up for this, and I can't believe the ease in which you erased them from your heart.
      I try to be positive.  I'm hoping that one day it will all makes sense.  I'm hoping I will meet someone more deserving...someone who makes me so glad you gave up on me.  More than that I pray I find the strength to be okay alone...because that's what I am right now.  This is not at all what I wanted. I didn't get a say in anything, and you grow colder and more hurtful despite the fact that I don't deserve it.
     Fighting myself...the part of me that loves every hair on your head is at war with the part of me that just wants to make you hurt as you've made me.  Because I'll never really get over this.  I know from experience.  I won't always love you this way, but I will always remember this pain.  It has rocked me, and every fiber of my being resonates with your betrayal.
     You aren't to blame for my intensely emotional soul.  It's like I feel everything more strongly than everyone else on Earth...or at least more than most.  I think the contrast in our emotional landscape is so great that I can't even come close to make you understand.  I don't want to feel this anymore.
     I WANT TO SCREAM!  I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! And while I might release some stress that way, it's not really going to make anything better.  I feel like the world is just fucking with me.  Happiness is a choice they say...sure it is.  I would be truly insane to be happy right now.  I have nothing.  I have no choices.  And I hate you for it.

My Way

     I'm beginning to see that nomatter what I do, with good intentions or otherwise, I can't please anyone when I make all my decisions based on what I think other people would prefer.  The problems for me is that I don't know how to do things just for myself...because I have lost myself.  I don't know who I am because all I've ever been is what I think other people want me to be.  I don't know where to begin.

     My heart hurts.  I am, like a fool, repeatedly disappointed by the selfishness of others.  Don't get me wrong, I know it is human nature to be selfish, and I don't think I'm immune to it, but I cannot in good conscience ignore the needs of those around me if it is within my power to meet them.  I do this, often times to my own detriment.  I understand there needs to be a balance.  I don't understand how a friend could go to a social function before coming to help me when I'm sick.  I wouldn't be able to enjoy going out for worrying.  I cannot influence the nature of those around me, yet I cannot avoid my disappointment.  How do I still expect that people will treat me as they'd like to be treated?  I'm not stupid...yet my emotion and my logic refuse to coincide.  

     I suppose that's that's why I doubt my sanity lately...All the turmoil between my good nature and this cruel world.  I feel stupid for being such a bleeding heart...one of those people who feels everything so intensely.  I shouldn't have to apologize for caring too much...should I?

     All this pain...I think and write repeatedly that I don't know what to do with it.  That I don't know why I've been through all of this.  Well, maybe I'm starting to see that I needed it.  I haven't let it kill me, but it's now broken things down to a point where simplicity reigns.  It's just me now...I know I can be alone.  I should do what I want, my way, and see what happens.  Can I love myself if no one else does?  Who am I without outside validation?  I don't know yet but I'm going to find out.  

     I'm finding so much truth in all this tragedy.  I feel so passionate when I write all this down.  I've never even found a single person who cares to read it, and still, my entire life I've been baring my soul in ink.  Because it makes me feel....not exactly happy...it just feels like what I need to do. 

     Maybe I should stop being so logical.  Maybe there's not a logical reason for everything.  Human nature has to come in as a variable in some cases right?  I think I'm going to try just doing whatever feels right for me at that moment, and see what happens.  

Cold Getting Colder

Bubble bursts
and it hurts to give up on a dream.
No longer able to pretend
things are better than they seem.
With all the lies I've been told,
Who the hell should I believe?
It's getting old as I grow older.
Conditioned to be cold,
And getting colder.
You can thank reality.
I know all too well how bad it can be.

Who are we to judge?
And why do we in the first place?
Why does everything have to be a race?
Which one of us is best,
Or better at least?
Why do some people find peace
In other's misery?
And how are people like me,
Supposed to know what to do?
And how do people like you look down?
The position in which I'm currently found
Is hardly my fault...
Not entirely anyway.
Who's gonna screw me over today?
It's SO SAD that I've learned to think that way.

Some days I just want to say "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Disregard is all I've ever known.
No place like home,
But I don't have my own.
Built this house of cards,
Buying time until it falls.
Just need four walls that don't come crashing down.
Someone I can count on to be around.
Tired of it being all for not.
Trying to hold on to what little I've got,
Can't bear to lose it all.
How much farther can I fall?